80 minutes of Mailtime today and I cant even begin to describe how weird this one was. Actually yes I can I’m gonna do it right now:
Lena Dunham fingers her sister, Kermit the Frog clearly has some sort of pig fetish, frog sex science proves that mediocre guys will always be able to get laid, the woman who is giving birth with dolphins and her child who will grow up to be a seal/human hybrid and take over the world, the Barstool Dixie tour vs. my life as an impending father, Kanye 2020, and Barstool DVR with Narcos and my plan to become an online drug dealer, with a preview of the Mr. Robot finale tonight.
But the highlight of todays episode had to be recounting my first experience at Buy Buy Baby. Which, for those of you who dont know, is the most terrifying place on earth. Registering for baby stuff is easily the most harrowing experience a man can endure. Cribs and strollers and those harness things that Alan from the Hangover carries Carlos in. Pumps and bouncers and swings and all sorts of contraptions that I dont even know what they do. And they all cost ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Pray for KFC. Give me all your Ts and Ps. I’m going to need them.
PS – I also have to defend myself here with the Frog Discussion. My esteemed colleague, co host, and producer just left me out to dry in that segment. He just watched me floundering in the ocean and could have thrown me a life jacket but he didnt. Bottom line is the fact that female frogs in the wild made the irrational choice to mate with lame frogs is HUGE news for all of us average guys out there. They were given so many choices of good frogs and bad frogs and they just froze up and made bad decisions. Its like a law of nature that females are so unpredictable that they will some times lower their standards to a depth that Charles Darwin would be baffled. That means all of us below average dudes always have a chance to fuck smokes. Enormous news. If you cant appreciate that segment you are just being a dick.