Europeans Are Very Upset About the World Cup Again, This Time That the Games Will Be Starting at Normal Times in America (Where They're Being Played)

From the group that brought you "We'll Just Walk From Manhattan to the Meadowlands" comes this summer's next smash hit, "Why Are World Cup Games Not Starting at 6 a.m. Local Time to Accommodate Europeans?"

I'm so sick of these people, man. They can't fathom an air conditioning unit. Their governments tax their income at 60 percent and then have regulations on how much you can open your windows. You must acquire a license to watch television.

And then they have the unfortunate mix of audacity and stupidity to decry soccer games starting at normal times where they're being played rather than when some countries across the world would like them. Fuck off.

If these people are truly the die-hard footy fans they claim to be, they'd be watching the 2 a.m. kickoffs with bells on. American soccer fans routinely watch games at 6 a.m. throughout the entire club season. Maybe we're just bigger fans of the game.

Even putting aside the absurdity of being angry that the games are kicking off according to local time — as they do during every single World Cup — the time zones in South America are almost entirely in line with America, also. And last I checked, a South American team took down the best team in Europe to win the last World Cup, so I think we should probably just stick with the times that work for the best soccer countries in the world.

We have to beat a European team in this thing now — I'm not counting Turkey. Bring me England or Germany in a knockout game. I want blood.