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This Chick's Video On How To Give A Handjob Is Unbelievably Intense All-Around

 

This video is going viral today under the premise of it being the “weirdest video ever” and, yes, it gets really weird considering a substantial portion of it is people dressed like National Geographic cover models in tribal rave paint. And sure, I probably get more enjoyment out of weird videos than most. But at the same time, it had some really hilarious moments. Like this moment:

 

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Yes, you witnessed a woman actually say “You give a handjob not just with your hands, but also with your heart.” I’ve heard a lot of sentences in my day and that has to be one of the most bullshit ones I’ve ever heard. No woman has ever given a handjob with her heart. With her brain thinking “Alright let’s just wrap this up and maybe he’ll leave,” sure. With her forearm sore and pulsing thinking “Jesus Christ is this ever going to end, I knew there’s a reason I stopped doing this in 7th grade.” And maybe with her vagina sitting in the dugout with an ice bath thinking “Skip my spot in the rotation today, I could use a breather.” But with her heart? Never that, not once in the history of time.

 

But even despite all that, I loved the video. Like you’re kidding me if you can’t get some joy out of a pretty chick with a great accent making gestures like this while referring to a penis as “his magic wand.”

 

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Paint me up like a molly’d up Avatar at an EDM show and let’s go back to middle school. I’ve been firmly in the “I don’t see the point in handjobs” camp but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I need to broaden my horizons. Or, more likely, if any of us were to show a girl this with a handy request, it’d end up like this classic Louis CK bit: