Barstool Golf Time | Book Tee Times & Earn Free Barstool Golf MerchDOWNLOAD NOW


Power Ranking NFL QB Draft Prospects Whose Last Names Could Be a Euphemism for Penis

Perry Knotts. Getty Images.

You read that title right

7. Bo Nix - Oregon

Lydia Ely. Getty Images.


A Nix would undoubtedly have to be a small penis. The term "Nix" would have to me used by a man who knows he has a small penis, and is confident about it. A man who knows how to work his small penis. Imagine a wee man brings a woman home and reveals his 3 inches of steel. She raises her hand over her mouth and gives a little giggle. "Hehehe what is that?"

"That's little Nix baby. Why don't you give it a taste?"

6. Brennan Armstrong - NC State

Ryan M. Kelly. Getty Images.

People often refer to their penises as a third leg. But you could also call it a third arm. If it were fully erect it would be more like an arm anyways. It's not like raised penis is going to help you walk. But if it were really big (and strong) it could potentially help you grab things off a high shelf. Or at minimum clear items off a countertop. I must admit, this name would work a lot better if the words "arm" and "strong" were swapped. But calling your penis an Armstrong still kinda works if you really don't think about at all.

5. Caleb Williams - USC

David Becker. Getty Images.

I'm not sure why this works, but it think it does. I think it hits the same notes as the word Johnson. Also Williams has the word "Willy" in it. That's maybe why it clicks for me, "I got a big ol' Williams for you back at my apartment if you know what I mean". Whisper that into a girls ear at the club. She will know what you mean.

4. Kedon Slovis - BYU

Chris Gardner. Getty Images.


A Slovis just sounds like it would be something sexual. Maybe something from an old smut book set in outer space. Like in a hentai situation. If a hot, busty woman encountered a big scary sex alien on planet Zimlat, the alien would pull out his long slender Slovis from beneath his gullet and pleasure her with it's slimy tip.

3. Gavin Hardison - UTEP

Icon Sportswire. Getty Images.

The "hard" part of Hardison's last name does a lot of the heavy lifting here, on account of erections. And in order to create a "son", you need to get "hard". But to be honest I'm struggling with how to use it in a sentence. Idk… come to thinkg of it, there might be nothing there. I suppose if you're childless you could just refer to your penis as your son. And when you're erect it would be your hard son. Say you're at the bar with your friend and he's bitching about his troubled teen. You could say something like, "Well I was dealing with a Hardison myself last night."  But the "i" in the middle of the name really fucks it up. If his name was just Hardson it would make way more since.

Ok I admit that one was too big of stretch. I deeply regret making this number 3. I thought "hard" and "son" had more potential. Oh well. Too late to change it now.

2. Spencer Rattler - South Carolina

Icon Sportswire. Getty Images.

Rattler, like short for a rattlesnake. Snake is the same shape as a penis. 

"Brother, I was out in the desert wranglin' cattle this mornin', and next thing I know I got a big ol' rattler hot on my tail. I giddy'd up on outta there faster than a prairie fire with a tailwind."

"I feel y'all partner. My wife had a bit of trouble with a rattler herself last night. But she wasn't able to escape so easy."

Also rattlers (i.e. Rattlesnakes) inject venom into people. Kind of like penises inject semen. So you could work that in there somehow as well. Rattler is a pretty good one come to think of it. A strong #2.


1. Michael Penix Jr. - Washington

Steph Chambers. Getty Images.

Penix Jr. comes in as the clear #1 based on the fact that his last name is one letter away from the word penis. Nobody comes remotely close. Kind of ridiculous to even have this discussion this year. But it's draft season, so when in Rome. Although I must say, the "Jr." tagged on the end takes away a bit. A "Penix Jr." maxes out at 6 inches. But if you could say you had a "Penix Sr.", then you're talking about a serious hog. 

Sorry guys, I was already having a weird day on the internet when I wrote this yesterday. I woke up and tweeted about my wet dream for some reason. It turned into a whole thing. I had dicks on the brain all day, so I decided to just lean into it. I hope you enjoyed this NFL Draft content. I highly doubt you did. Maybe if you're lucky I'll do running backs who sound like vaginas tomorrow. There's a guy out of Boise State named George Holani who I've got my eye on,