Advertisement

My Hypocritical Co-Workers Unfairly Cum Shamed Me On The Internet Today

I'm just gonna come out and say it. Because I already said it to the world once today at 5:39 AM EST. I had a wet dream this morning. There was nothing special about it. Nothing special about it to me at least. For whatever reason, for as long as I can remember, a majority of my wet dreams have been non-sexual. I can't explain to you why, it's just always been that way. A lot of the time when I have a wet dream, I simply think I have to use the restroom. I'll be going about my dream, handling my usual dream business, when all the sudden I have to pee immediately. I'll rush to find a toilet, a tree, a homeless man, or whatever I have at my disposal, but in the end I can't make it in time. Next thing I know, I wake up coming. 

Another style of wet dream I have is the one I had this morning. It's an anxiety based wet dream. It often revolves around hockey. I'll be excited for a big game, I'm getting dressed in the locker room with the boys, when all of the sudden I can't find my left skate. I go into panic mode. My whole team heads out on the ice, I hear the game start, and I'm running around like crazy looking for my skate. Then I start to panic. I want to play puck with the boys so bad that I start freaking out. My heart beats faster, I get so anxious that I feel like I'm going to burst at the seems, then once again, I wake up cumming. I'd say I've had a version of that dream 5 times in my life.

Advertisement

But god forbid I talk about it online. God forbid I talk about cumming on the internet before the rooster crows. Is that the line here at Barstool Sports? Cumming? Wet Dreams are taking it too far? We literally launched Call Her Daddy, the most over-the-top sexually explicit podcast the world has ever known. Francis could fill a book with the sexually aggressive blogs he's written about Frankie Borelli alone. Out & About is a podcast hosted by two literal gay men. Our entire company is made up of sickos. But little ol' John Rich tweets out a follow up to his Monday morning wet dream and suddenly I'm the biggest pervert on the internet.

I'm sorry, Kevin. I'm sorry, Feitelberg. I didn't know wet dreams were a bridge too far for you. Of all people! I've been listening to KFC Radio for years. I've heard you guys discuss some of the raunchiest topics I've ever heard. There was a time you had an actual porn star as a co-host. Who are you to sit upon your ivory towers in your cum-free pants and look down on me for a measly little wet dream quip. 

Then The Yak has to make a big ol' fuss about it as well...

Advertisement

I swear to god you guys did a show like, yesterday where you invited the entire office into the studio to fart. Nick once brought in one of his friends so you could all take turns looking at his giant testicle. How am I being shamed for this?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. I barely even thought about this wet dream tweet. I simply woke up this morning after not being able to find the ice rink, cleaned myself up, put on a new pair of boxers, and thought I'd throw out a fun little anecdote. Just a little something about myself that I thought people might relate to. A conversation starter if you will. And that's exactly what I did. I started a conversation. Now I'm made to feel like a deviant online. I believe it was Uncle Chaps who once said we don't shame people for cumming weird. Well that rule has apparently been thrown out the window. I'm being shamed for it left and right. I'm starting to think this is all one big case of collective jealously because at the elder age of 32, I'm still virile enough to pump out wet dreams on a regular basis. That I will not be apologizing for.

And in my defense, it sounds like many people have had similar dreams.

Advertisement

To be fair, two of those didn't end in cum, one them was definitely a joke, and the other one was also probably a joke. But I know there are people out there who've experienced something like this. There has to be. I can't be the only one who has anxiety wet dreams. There is no way I have that special of a penis. I'm a red-blooded American like everyone else. There must be thousands of us out there. Are they all just scared to show their face? Do these people have some sort of qualm about letting the world know exactly when and why they came? I couldn't tell you. But I'm confident that I'm not alone. And shame on my co-workers for shaming me. This is the content business baby, and sex sells. If anything I should be praised for rolling up my sleeves before the crack of dawn and firing off a noteworthy cum tweet. If only Alex Cooper were still here. I know she wouldn't stand for this.