The Dead Parent Club: Embracing The Sadness That Comes With Loss & Grief

It has been exactly two years since the death of my dad and, without question, there are times where I wonder if I am doing worse as time goes on. Anyone who has gone through something similar can relate to the feeling. At times, you are cruising along in life without much issue, but then, like a brick wall, the grief, loss, and sadness takes over and knocks you onto your ass.

Since the moment I sat there on the phone halfway across the country and heard the final moments of my dad's life, things have not been the same for me. There are stretches where I am irritable (the term "in real life and online" should apply to all of these), socially distant, and in a never-ending negative spiral.

You aren't trained for something like this in life. Death and loss are inevitable, but there isn't a course in school, or moment in life, where someone prepares you for losing a parent, sibling, close relative, or friend. And guess what? It's somehow even worse than you imagine!

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But then there are good days where I learn to how cope with the grief and live properly with the loss. It's about finding the connections and moments in life that don't just act like a band-aid but heal the wounds. Am I worse than I was a year ago? Yes, I would say I am. Do I think I am closer to the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of finding a level of peace with it all? Absolutely.

Yesterday, someone sent me this fantastic video of actor Billy Bob Thornton talking about loss:

At any given moment, there is happiness and sadness. Accepting that is not easy, I still haven't fully done it, but learning this part of the process seems to be half the battle. The sadness I feel day-to-day is a way to make sure the weight of my dad's impact on my life never goes away. Truly, embracing that side of things may be the key to all of this, and what helps unlock the door at the end of a dark hallway that leads to a smoother road.

It might seem like a negative, but there is truly no way to avoid that feeling of sadness, so why ignore it?

You think in the aftermath of someone close to you passing away that eventually all of the happy thoughts and memories will take over. Surely the "good" will overtake the "bad," right? The answer is no, because it all blends together. The connections and moments that remind you of the "good" will often times bring you down as you realize they can't ever be remade as new memories ever again.

This past year was especially tough on me in regard to these feelings over losing my dad due to one reason (don't exit the blog when you see why, I promise I won't talk much football): the Cleveland Browns.

My dad and I had didn't share anything in terms of bonding and connection more than we did with the Cleveland Browns. Born and raised in Ohio, my dad cursed me with rooting for this historically bad franchise since birth (real sicko shit, dad). The first season of Browns football without my dad was difficult as I didn't have my usual Sunday text exchange or long phone calls with him. Some nice moments happened with them winning in Week 1 on his birthday, as well as being seated at random next to one of his best friends when I went to the Browns game in Week 2 (they blew a 13-point lead with two minutes to go). But their season slowly crapped out and the juice just wasn't there, so the weight of the that connection didn't bring me down that much as there wasn't a ton of interesting things to discuss. 

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Fast forward to this past NFL season, and the story was quite different!

The Browns went 11-6, had an endless number of stories, wild finishes, and chaos. Every time something great happened I was on cloud nine, and any time something unfortunate came down the pipeline I was ready to rant. It was as eventful of a season as I have experienced with the Browns, and I didn't have the number one person I would want around to experience it with.

When those moments arrived, I always had one thought, "I wish I could text my dad."

How do you move on with life and properly cope when even the best memories cause some form of grief?

Which brings me around to the main point again: the only way to properly handle loss is to embrace all of it.

Will I really always let the sad thoughts that accompany the great connections, bring me down? No, we need to embrace these things. We need to keep every memory, moment, and feeling alive, even if it's accompanied by something sad.

I'm no expert at this, and I haven't figured out how to do it myself, but the gameplan is there. I can see the path, and I can see the door to the other side, and hopefully everyone in similar shoes know that greener pastures are out there.

Now, as for the title of the blog, I am aware it might catch people by surprise. But for many people the "dead parent club" name will be a term they've likely heard before and can relate to. Within the first few days of my dad passing away, multiple friends of mine who had dealt with similar loss hit me with the term as a way to soften the pain, and ease things a little bit.

As important as anything when it comes to dealing with grief around loss is finding people who you can shares thoughts with who can relate to the situation. Before my dad passed, I really didn't know how to communicate or interact with anyone who had just suffered a close loss. You send the usual text or care package and give people space. It's all you can do! But once you're on the other side of things, and have experience it yourself, you immediately know how important it can be to help people deal with loss by letting them know there are people out there who share that same pain.

I won't get much into his situation, but my co-worker here at Barstool Will Compton sent me that Billy Bob Thornton clip the other night. A few months before my dad passed, Will lost his mom suddenly, and it is an unfortunate, but strong connection that we have established recently. Again, I won't really say much for Will, as it is his story, not mine, but it's these little moments we can all share with each other that help the pain settle easier and easier as time goes on.

The "Dead Parent Club" concept is a funny one, albeit in a dark humor way, but it has amazed me as to how real it feels. Another friend of mine lost a parent this past year, and I could just sense the bit of easiness that accompanied being able to talk through their grief with someone on a relatable level. By no means do I think it is everyone who has lost someone's duty to pick up others when they're down, but I do think the more we embrace those around us who have experienced these feelings, the better off we will all be.

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There is a bit of a power in finding new strength to combat grief together.

Finding that path to a better mindset is easier if it's a path shared with others who can help you along the way.

Embrace sadness.

Embrace those around you have shared these feelings.

Embrace everything that can help keep alive the spirit of those we've loved & lost.

--
Rest in peace dad, you are missed every single day.

NOTE: This Super Bowl week has now become a cursed week for me. The Dozen live show always sort of lines up with this anniversary now as well. The first one in Hollywood happened the day after my dad passed, then the one in Scottsdale was the same day a year later, and now it lands on the anniversary in Las Vegas. I wrote about my dad a few times, once after he passed, and once again last year, if you'd like to read.