Grief, Hope, & Miracles: Perspective of Losing A Parent One Year Later

This isn't exactly a happy story, and I will begin by saying that this starts off rater… brutal?

Well, brutally honest, I guess.

But there is a point to everything, including the negativity, that will all tie together in the end.

One year ago today, I lost my father, David M. Lowe.

At his request, I stayed in Los Angeles to continue doing my job as we were there working at last year’s Super Bowl week. So, the toughest day of my life was spent on the phone, as I comforted my mom and sister on the other end of the line as my dad passed away. There was an emptiness and sadness I felt that I wouldn't wish upon even my worst enemy.

I wrote an obituary about my dad, which you can read here: 

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As someone who deals with a smorgasbord of mental health issues, I always try and align with the idea that "it will get better",  eventually. Unfortunately, I have learned that the notion, "it will get better" doesn't apply to the situation of losing a parent.

I am sorry to tell you this. But losing a parent, especially one early on in life, doesn't level out, normalize, or ever feel okay, especially not right away. A whole year has passed, and if I am being honest, things are, if anything, worse for me. There is a lost and soulless feeling that just lingers, no matter what I do, say, or try.

My motivation lacks at times, my focus gets blurry, and I find myself struggling to put the pieces of life together.

How will I move on? How will I recover? How will I help my family? How will I fill this void?

These feelings and questions wash over me as frequently as a daily shower.

Dealing with this type of grief is nothing anything in life can prepare you for, ever.

But here's the turn to a more positive side of the tunnel: Hope is possible.

I am not sure if things will truly ever get better, but I have found reasons for hope.

Hope can come in the form of things that already existed in your life, things that you never truly embraced, and even unexpected miracles.

HOPE, ALREADY THERE

Family & Friends.

That's the alternative title to this section of my thoughts.

It's not that I never truly appreciated my family & friends beforehand, but something as difficult as the loss of a parent can really reset your focus on the people who help drive and impact your life.

Phone calls with my mom & sister mean a little more. Our text group has become a tad bit more meaningful. Trips home to Austin just hit a little bit differently.

And the same can be said about my friends, especially the ones back home I have been friends with for nearly 20 years at this point. Every chat, text, and phone call carries a new weight that I don't take for granted.

Even if you haven't lost a family member, or haven’t found yourself down in the dumps, you really need to never forget or take for granted the friends and family you have in your life. There is truly no better well to dip into than the people who have had your back their entire lives. Don't ever forget that.

SMALL NOTE: I am moving West this summer, and out of New York City, to be closer to my family & friends. My excitement, and relief, are as high as ever. In general, my support system at Barstool, since the moment my co-workers embraced me in Los Angeles last year, has been insane. It's a dream job that I care about as much as anything in the world, and I am endlessly thankful to work here.

HOPE, WHERE YOU DIDN'T REALIZE

There are also people in your life, maybe even an existing close friend, that can impact you in a time of need in a way you never realized. These aren't people you didn't appreciate already, but they could be someone you relate to on a deeper level later in life.

One of my friends from my last job at Good Morning America fits that bill better than anyone.

I am close to my friend and have always been able to discuss the struggles of life and mental health with her. None of that is new to me, and I always appreciated our connection.

But what I never realized was our ability to relate to the idea of losing members of your immediate family.

I've always understood that part of her life, but there is just a different bond and connection now that we share the experience. There is a new meaning to the words we exchange, and the motivation we give each other.

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It's a shitty club to be in, losing a parent at a young age, but once you realize there are people around you who have gone through the same trauma and nightmare, it makes everything feel a bit more normal. Relating to this would have been impossible before, even with an attempt to understand, but the floodgates open once you can share a similar experience like this one.

Find those around you, if you lose a parent, who has the ability to say "I know, I understand" about your pain.

It's okay to be scared and alone in these moments, but try and keep your head up knowing that you can find hope in places of your life that are already filled.

HOPE, THROUGH MIRACLES

This is the part where you're probably asking yourself, "what the fuck are you talking about?"

But I believe that a big reason I have found hope within darkness is a "miracle" that happened in my life.

Someone who I would consider to now be my best and closest friend actually came into my life right around the time my dad passed away last year. It was a long-distance friendship, and nothing overly notable at first, but the connection we share in terms of personality, sense of humor, and relatability to personal tragedy & loss, helped push us together at a time where even the tiniest light at the end of the tunnel was a saving grace.

To have someone randomly slide into your life, who also happens to inspire a new purpose and sense of hope, is something you can't easily wrap your head around or explain. The closer I've grown to this person, the more I've realized how special a moment like this can be, especially in a time of need.

For as empty of a hole as the loss of my dad made in my life, this friend has found a way to fill it right back up with the same energy and love that went missing in the blink of an eye.

How does something like this happen? Keeping your mind open. Not closing off any opportunities to let in the light, or love, to your heart. In order to find a way out of a spot as dark as losing a parent, or even struggles with mental health, or anything in between, sometimes you have to take risks and see what the world may give you.

You don't really know what the "secret sauce" will be to fill the void of losing a loved one, but I now believe that it will happen by chance and without your choosing. It might take a little bit of a risk, or chance, on your part, but don't shut out opportunities, even if you yourself have shut down from the pain.

For as cruel as the world can be, there is always a chance at life balancing out.

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Are things better for me, a year on since my dad's passing? No. 

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Will things improve over time? Not sure.

Do I have hope? Absolutely.

That's the long and short of everything I've said. Much like my blog on mental health: 

If even just one person is able to read this and find some inspiration, then it was all worth it.

When all seems lost, there are basic ideas you can channel to help you rise back to the top. Cherish your friends & family. Embrace those around you. Take some chances on life.

For as dark as things get, hope will always be a guiding light once you find it.

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Love you, dad, miss you.