Where Should Dave Portnoy Send Me To Work On March 11th?

So I may have underestimated the power of the man who invented the internet and what a tweet to his 3,000,000 followers could do. And maybe I should have told my Principal and/or Athletic Director that I was resigning before writing that blog. And perhaps I shouldn’t have systematically dissected two human beings ala Jeffry Dahmer in his prime when I head the Be A Buddy, Not A Bully program at my school. But hindsight is always 20/20 and all you can do now is accept the letter of reprimand placed in your personnel file, promise you will lay low for the next month, and/or find a better disguise.

Anyways, now that the dust has settled from the first wave of atomic blog bombs dropped on New York City, I think it’s time that we all gather round and discuss what appeared to be the main topic of conversation at both my parents’ kitchen table and the New York Office this past week: where is Dave Portnoy going to send me? 

Let us weigh the three options for the boss man to decide:

I took a few moments this morning to write out a Pros and Cons list on my chalkboard, and aside from the obvious pro of the 4-day work weeks, I really didn’t have much else to add in that column for New York. I mean, a quick Google search tells me it’s really expensive, really smelly, and has a rising crime rate. I’m afraid that if Dave puts me in the NYC Office, I’ll get charged with what should be a 1st Degree Felony at a comedy company…..being not funny. And the prosecution will have a slam dunk case because they have the clear and obvious evidence of Guilt By Association! 

Then again, despite the higher cost of living, I do think NYC gives me the best opportunity for financial gain with the Water Wing Company I filed a trademark for after last week:

Kept the whole office afloat with all the Tate talk! I mean, I know I went at Kelly for being lazy (and literally nothing more despite her weird tirade accusing me of misogyny) and at Nate for saying I don’t deserve a dollar from this company before this entire escapade started, but I didn’t chirp anyone else. Not once. However I think Pat has tweeted at me more than Kelly, and she tweeted at me no less than 500 times on Friday night! And Klemmer, please let the adults (comically, not age wise you old fuck) speak. I personally think you are a solid practice player at this company, but you are one more random tweet with my name in it from me coming to NYC just to steal your Barstool Basketball Team coaching job. The content would be better, and maybe we’d win a few games! Be the batting practice pitcher you were born to be. Let the big dogs and Big Cats get all the shine, and when they do, stand next to them as they hold the trophy and be thankful they took you along for the ride. 

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Honestly, the only reason I’d truly choose the New York Office is because Francis Ellis is a generational talent with the pen and a one-of-a-kind monster in between the ears. I heard it through the grapevine that he did a background check on me and the best he could find is that I live in a neighborhood with some sex offenders nearby, but that line in his blog got nixed (not by me) because he was naming full names. Now THAT’S the type of guy I want to work with. 

Francis, if I do come to New York, dinner the first night? I’ll buy if you are okay with the menu falling in line within the budget of a public school teacher, but if your trust fund has vested already, I, like apparently some of my neighbors, wouldn’t mind a nice fresh piece of pink meat!

Man it felt good to crack a joke there. The blood finally started flowing elsewhere at the 23.5 hour mark after getting that DM from Portnoy on Thursday, so I didn’t have to go to the doctor, but the hairs on my arms have been standing up since I signed a contract on Friday, thinking of all the fun I can have now that the muzzle is off.

Side note: did you guys see Nate was chirping me for picking the “low hanging fruit” of him and Kelly? And then said I was purposefully not attacking the better content creators of this company like Frank and Francis? Your honor, the prosecution doesn’t need to speak, the defense already made our point for us.

All of my students keep asking me, Hey Mr. __ (check Kelly’s blog if you want to see my last name since she intentionally doxed me), when you were peppering the New York office with 101 mile an hour fastballs on the black like you were Randy Johnson during his stretch of 4 straight Cy Young awards from ‘99 - ‘02, did you purposefully stay away from the entire Chicago crew? Was it because you didn’t want to burn ALL of your bridges at this company, instead just the Brooklyn one, or is it because they actually work in that office? I said guys, although both are very much true, please don’t talk while the movie is playing. I only have a month left in this profession, and I want to try and finish all seven of the Harry Potters before I go. (Just kidding, Mr. Baptist, we’re doing another proof reading assignment today!).

Anyways, I don’t have much material in terms of attacking Chicago because umm, they’re good at their job? Like, uh, Big Cat, you co-host the #1 sports podcast in the world you fucking loser! Brandon Walker, you are one of the three names (along with Stephen A Smith and Colin Cowherd) in the entire media industry that I would listen to do a show completely by themselves, you bum! KB and Nick, you guys are the two most creative brains in the company and I think we could do great things together, you weirdos! Mark Titus, I went to get your autograph at a book signing back in 2010, and it turned out to be my favorite book ever, you douche!

Damn, the kids are gonna be all over my ass for glazing these Chicago boys more than a Krispy Kreme donut, but what do you want me to do? I do not intend on making my entire persona at Barstool hit piece after hit piece. I just want to unchain the shackles that have been on my wrists these past 6 years and entertain the readers with the written typed word like some of the greats of this website used to do. Django Ohio’s Tate is a Free Man now!

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Point being, I can resuscitate the dying blog from any of the three locations in discussion, but if you’re going to ask me who I’d rather sit on a livestream with as the Buckeyes win the National Championship next season, it’s this Chicago crew. And apparently working in Chicago is the only requirement for going to the Super Bowl on the company dime, too? Plus, I have a really good name for this Ohio State show I want to pitch for Mark to do with me.

To be transparent, I’ve never left the great state of Ohio for more than the traditional midwesterner’s family vacation down to Hilton Head for a week. I grew up in a suburb just outside of Akron called Wadsworth, went to THE Ohio State University, and have been a state employee ever since. I have never really ventured outside of the two hour radius from my hometown, let alone do I have a passport to travel the world. I am comfortable here, bought a house here, have my entire family here (parents, brother, and uncle/aunt/cousins all live on the same street), and quite honestly……would probably write the best blogs from here.

I think the readers of this site would, unlike my girlfriend, be extremely impressed with how fast I can finish. I’ve been juggling so many jobs and responsibilities over the last 6 years, but effective perhaps at the end of this blog, I’ll have my focus on just one thing and that’s Barstool Sports. I am quick witted and have a very high GWAM (gross words a minute…as in total words, not the words in Klemmer’s search history). I am certain I can frequently crank out very well thought out longform pieces like this from the confines of my own living room, and if the editors allow me to publish my own blogs, I think I can fill a huge void this website has right now which is to recap sports news in both a timely AND humorous manner. If you locked me up in Ohio and threw away the key, the blog would be back more than Texas was after beating Bama in Tuscaloosa, but let me say this: I want to be in the mix. 

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And to be clear, I will be very good in the mix. I know writers of this site have lacked the ability to generate laughs from time to time, but I find it VERY FUNNY that the narrative they’re pushing on me is that although I can write extremely well, I won’t be a good talker. Umm, are we on the same page that my job for the last decade has been to entertain over a thousand 12-year-olds that don’t want to be in my classroom learning about Reading and Writing? And not to toot my own horn, but I’m very good at it. So to the people that keep chirping me saying I wouldn’t do the Rundown this, wouldn’t go on Picks Central that, all I have to say is March 11th. Folks, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, the date that your boss and I agreed upon for me to go full-time is March 11th. And until then, I’m just going to try and write a few blogs to ensure I don’t have to get my $500 paycheck withheld for not holding up my end of the bargain, again. But on March 11th, I’ll go to where I’m told and do whatever you want.

Anyways, at the end of the day, it’s Dave Portnoy’s decision of where I’m heading, not mine. If it were mine, I’d make a couple recruiting trips, hear their pitches, and then livestream it National Signing Day style:

(Take a look at that brand placement, Dave. Man I’m good)

The recruiting trips would throw the NYC Office into such a pretzel. I mean, I’m assuming the Chicago office would be very indifferent if I came there or not. I’d like to think they can see my talent by now, but they don’t NEED Ohio’s Tate to stay employed relevant like the New York office does. Now that I think about it, this would essentially be The Decision: Part 2 with all of the striking similarities to LeBron’s situation back in 2010. Think about it: the entire population of  New York City will be on pins and needles hoping the kid from Akron comes to revitalize their franchise office. I wonder what kind of NIL money I could get from the NYC employees to come put the spotlight on their office? I like money, and I know Kelly thinks Dave hiring me is a direct message to her about what this company values, but I personally think Dave hiring me for double her salary via Direct Message is the bigger statement of how much he values her. He saw more in me in one blog I wrote than the years of knee-slapping content she’s force fed everyone. Okay, back to The Decision analogy. Ohio will think they’re the front runner because despite offering literally nothing that the other two do in terms of entertainment, opportunity, etc….they’ll still think the lure of family, friends, and familiarity will keep me here.  And despite those two aforementioned locations wishing for me the most, I, like LeBron, would simply pick the other option. Yes Dave, I want to go to Chicago…..eventually. But slightly more important to me than being placed in a position to be very successful in the long run is that I want the ability to go face the music in New York City first.

I cannot let the valiant and noble commenters of this great website think for one second that I’m afraid to face….them. Dave, if you’re still reading because this is the best blog this website has seen since you hung up the fingers, I propose you send me to New York City from Monday, March 11th through Friday March, 15th. I can borrow our school’s custodial uniform and supplies, and I’ll go clean up that office from not a sanitary perspective, but more of a content and work ethic one. Appoint me the Ombudsman of the JV Headquarters of this company, and we can all pray that my brain is contagious enough that some of my creativity and talent spreads to those little bugs like they’re the nerdlucks touching the basketball in Space Jam to become the Monstars. Then I’ll fly out after they are whipped into shape or destroyed in oblivion (win/win for you, Dave), move into my apartment in Chicago, and write this company to the fucking moon like you once did. 

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Dave, the ball is in your court now. Where’s it going to be?