Cue the Duckboats | Championship Collection for Banner 18SHOP HERE

Advertisement

Best & Worst Places to Do Drugs

Welcome back to another episode of Blog Wheel. This is the second Blog Wheel of the week. My co-worker who screams at me about Scott Van Pelt against my will for a full hour each day, Frank Fleming, submitted 8 Thanksgiving topics of his own. So naturally I had to do a separate Frank wheel. 

But this is regular Blog Wheel. Here we have a much more classic Blog Wheel topic. The best and worst places to do drugs.

I keep telling myself I should distance myself from the whole drug guy thing. It's not necessarily the best look for a 31 year old man to be the drug guy. But at the same time, you're supposed to write about what you know right? I do know drugs. I spent half my life doing all sorts of different drugs. Plus, if I can get any sort of content out of my experiences, then that makes those years of my life a little bit less of a waste. So fuck it, here are the best & worst places to do drugs.

Authors Note: I just wrote a version of this blog and had to scrap it. It was way too serious. I had things like "Worst: When You Don't Have More Drugs" and "Best: When You're Going Through Withdrawals". It got dark real fast. I mean, I was unequivocally right. But I didn't want to post that. I basically wrote a guide on how to be a functioning drug addict. I don't really want to have that out there. If they bring back Barstool Gold someday then maybe I'll post the original. I ended up leaving a few real ones in here, but I pivoted to make this blog much stupider.

Best: At a Phish Concert

I've actually never been to a Phish concert, I just know they have those guys who fill up balloons with big tanks that they sell for $10. Phish fans seem to love it. I'm sure it kills your brain, but it must be fun. I've heard stories about those guys making tens of thousands of dollars in a night. I should get in on that.

Worst: Around Your Family

Don't do it guys. They're going to know. They might not say anything, but they know. 

Best: While Playing Mario Kart

Mario Kart for the N64 holds up better than any video game in the history of video games. It's perfect for casual or hard drug use. It's competitive, yet simple enough for anybody to play. There's lot of fun bright colors. It gets extremely intense. You can even turn it into a fun drinking game. Just a great time all around

Worst: Driving a Real Car

Horrible idea. The worst. Keep the driving to Mario Kart. If you swerve off of Rainbow Road, a Koopa with a fishing pole will scoop you out of the sky and drop you back on course. If you swerve off the road in real life, you'll smash into a telephone pole a police officer will pick you up and drive you to jail. And that's best case scenario. You could end up in prison for life.

Best: While in Prison

I've never been to jail. I got booked once, but they let me go right away. But I feel like prison would be the perfect time to do drugs. Everything already sucks for you. You're already at a low point in life. You literally have nothing to lose. It's not like you have better things to do. Might as well enjoy some drugs while you're already as down bad as you're going to get.

Ok that one was kind of depressing. I guess you should use your time in prison to get clean and better yourself in preparation for getting out some day. But if you're in prison for life... then what the hell else are you doing.

Worst: Somewhere With a Bunch of Mirrors

The last thing you want to do when you're on drugs is get a good look at yourself. Only bad things can happen there. Either you get freaked out by your face, or you end up looking yourself in the eye and have a come to Jesus moment about what a piece of shit you are. When you're doing drugs, the last thing you want is any sort of self-reflection (literal or metaphorical). 

Best: Airplane

This is just practical. Especially if you're flying to another country. You need something that is going to make the flight not be a living hell. Ideally something that will knock you out and wake you up 12 hours later like nothing happened.

Advertisement

Worst: Hot Air Balloon

I originally had this in the 'Best' category. But the more I thought about it, you're just floating aimlessly through the clouds in a brightly colored ReMax ad. You don't even know exactly where you'll end up. Your life is in the hands of some sketchy hot air balloon operator who you've never met before. That sounds like a nightmare

Best: Before Surgery

It's always best to do drugs under the administration of a professional. Anesthesiologist such a crazy job to have. It's so fucking easy 99% of the time, but you're constantly one minor fuck up away from killing a patient. I got a colonoscopy this year, and it's crazy how well those drugs work. They just had me drink this little cup of thick liquid as they rolled me into the operating room. A minute later I was awake. They we're all up in my ass and I had no idea. Then they told me I didn't have cancer. All things considered it was one of the best drug experiences of my life. Didn't even feel regret afterwards

Worst: Before Giving Blood

In high school my friends and I had this sick idea to take morphine pills before Red Cross Blood Drive day at our school because we thought we'd catch an even sicker buzz once we had a pint of blood removed from our bodies. We weren't wrong. But don't do that. That was bad.

Best: At The Soltara Healing Center in Costa Rica

That's where Aaron Rodgers went to do his ayahuasca retreat. I've always wanted to do one of those. I don't even really know what ayahuasca is, but all the rich famous people do it, so it must be kind of awesome. I feel like you get the whole "ego death" experience, which is something I've been in the market for, for a long time

Worst: At The Lady Ruthelen Hostel in South Central, Los Angeles

When you can't afford to fly to Costa Rica for an ayahuasca retreat, you settle for taking DMT from a borderline homeless man named Mike who you just so happened to meet at a shady hostel in Los Angeles. Honestly, it was kind of a good experience. Mike was a cool guy. But that wasn't smart. Don't do that.