(Cue the comments "Where's the straight guy's review?")
Last night Pat and Joey took over Zanie’s comedy club in Rosemont.
For those that don't know, Zanies in Old Town Chicago is one of the most prestigious comedy clubs in the entire country. It's the size of a shoebox which both adds to it's mystique, and also makes it one of the more consistently packed comedy spots around. I think on the weekends they run 3 shows a night. And they're all packed, wall to wall.
(Pro tip- if I have an off night for some reason on a weekend, or need a good date spot, there's nothing I enjoy better than snagging tickets to Zanies and hitting Topo Gigio next door afterward.)
For comedians, (so I've heard), it's one of the more difficult rooms to break into because the talent level is so high, it's such a coveted gig, and the owners are incredibly difficult to impress.
I've been to Zanies close to 100 times since living in Chicago and I can count on one or two hands how many bad acts I have seen. 99% of the time whoever you see performing there is fucking nails and you end up crying laughing. It's the best. (Note- Francis has played Zanies several times.)
That said, their outpost in Rosemont, where Pat and Joey took over, is no small feat either.
Sure it's in mafia land Rosemont, near that dump of an airport O'hare. But it's double the size of the Old Town location, which was a good thing because the boys (or girls, as they kept referring to each other I discovered) sold that bitch out and it was wall-to-wall packed like sardines.
Being a guy that's never took it in the jaw before, I had no idea what to expect when I showed up.
I was astonished to walk out of the parking garage towards Zanies and see a line not just a mile long, but 80% (minimum) female.
Right before the guys came out, Nick Turani walked in and sat across the other side of the room. It was good to know there was another strong straight male confident in his sexuality in the audience and that I wasn't the only one.
Speaking of the audience, like I mentioned before, it was standing-room only. I was very impressed with the turnout.
Without spoiling the show, because we want you to go and see Joey and Pat for yourselves, here was just a few of the highlights for me:
- these two are legit hilarious. I didn’t know what to expect going in, but there’s not a thing rehearsed and they go totally off-the-cuff, interacting with the crowd the entire time, and are fucking hysterical.
- the mouths on these two are revolting. I've heard less vulgarity in a truck stop bathroom. I heard words and phrases for things last night that I never imagined I would and to be honest, I'm having trouble forgetting.
- Joey gives zero fucks. I'm pretty sure he's got Wilt Chamberlain numbers under his belt.
- They called Nick on stage for a segment where he just went on and on about what a disgusting Pig Pat is which genuinely shocked me. I thought all gay dudes were super clean and proper and ocd and shit. Nick offered to let Pat stay at his new place in Chicago and regrets it very much. Pat leaves shit all over the place, helps himself to Nick's washer and dryer, and just smokes weed and leaves KitKats on the floor everywhere. Major turn off if we're being honest.
- Pat wakes up to Nick staring at him from above the hole he's in like Buffalo Bill each morning.
- The guys (girls) went IN on Jesse Smollett. Joey especially. One of the funniest moments of the night.
- they went in even harder on Marty Mush. Pat especially. I offered to come to Marty's defense but he never gave me the word.
- They did a segment on guys they wanted to fuck. Which included some real head scratchers. Andy Dick NOT being one of them.
Not judging here whatsoever, but I feel like if you're a gay dude and Andy Dick isn't on your list then you must be into the most plain, vanilla, dick through a hole in the sheet, Quaker-style, boring sex in the world. Andy Dick is the wild card of all wild cards.
- they fucking destroyed this piece of shit Jackson Mahomes for a good 10-15 minutes which was also great.
- they rounded out the segment of guys they want to bang with guys from Barstool and some true shockers. Guys you never would have thought would be on Joey and Pat's lists to take down.
#1- John Henry Feitelberg.
#2- Tommy Smokes
Words from the wise here. If I'm Tommy Smokes there is no chance I am ever stepping foot in the office when I know Joey is there, on the prowl. The descriptors and phrases he was using for what he wants to do to Tommy last night would make the filthiest of whores blush. Depraved lust isn't even the term for it.
All in all it was a great show, and everybody in attendance seemed like they had the best time.
It was great hanging out with everybody after the show too.
I give the night 4.5 Balls.