The Olympics Want To Add Flag Football And It Feels Like We're Going To Find a Way To Lose Despite Inventing The Sport

Daily Mail - The NFL's ongoing push for worldwide exposure got another boost Monday when organizers for the 2028 Los Angeles Olympics delivered a proposal to put flag football on the program when the Summer Games return to the United States for the first time in 32 years. 

The International Olympic Committee will vote on the proposal at meetings in Mumbai, India, that begin later this week. 

Also on the LA proposal were baseball and softball, which have been bouncing on and off the program for decades; lacrosse; squash; and cricket - a fitting contrast to flag football in that it is virtually unknown in the United States but immensely popular over wide swaths of the globe. 

Though participation numbers have been declining, there is no bigger spectator sport in the U.S. than football. 

Bringing its less-violent cousin into the Olympics would mark a huge victory for the NFL, which has been staging games in Europe for more than a decade now and is always looking for ways to grow both its participation and its audience. 

I can picture the whole thing now. The 2028 Summer Olympics in sunny Los Angeles, California. The United States has assembled the greatest collection of talent to ever grace a flag football field. Patrick Mahomes starts at quarterback. Christian McCaffery at running back. Tyreek Hill and LeBron James play receiver. For some reason Taysom Hill is heavily involved. The fact that the Olympics are even allowing the United States to bully the rest of the world in football this is laughable. We're going to win every game by 200 points. 

We handle Great Britain in the first game of pool play. But we only win by 17 points, which seems kind of low. Whatever, who cares, we won. Then we blow a dog shit country like Thailand out of the water in game two. We've officially qualified for the knockout round. But next we have some weird team like Panama, which seems like a joke. But everyone keeps warning us, "Panama flag football is pretty nice. Their country has deep flag football roots. They're actually a favorite to medal" But that's insane. You realize we have Patrick Mahomes, right? What could Panama possibly have to match up against us.

Advertisement

Then Panama beats us by 2 scores. Panama's team has been playing together since they were 12 years old. They play a brand football that doesn't even resemble the style of football American's are accustomed to. It's some sort of football/rugby hybrid that features a whole mess of laterals and formations we didn't even know existed. Sauce Gardner doesn't know where the fucking ball is half the game. Some bearded 5'8" dude named Serrano is cooking us. The Panamanians just don't get tired. Their conditioning is insane. Plus they have the whole world on their side. America's FAR superior talent is no match for a scrappy Panama team. 

Then we get our shit together (kind of) and win the first couple games of the knockout round. But of course someone like Spain beats us in the semi finals because why the fuck not? Thankfully, the United States ends up winning the consolation game. But somehow that turns out to be worse, because then we have to stand on the 3rd place podium in the middle of SoFi Stadium in Los Angeles, America to receive our bronze flag football medals. The whole country is humiliated. Skip Bayless has a heart attack on air and dies.

Then after the Olympics, the actual United States flag football team starts talking shit. Yes, USA has an actual flag football team, I looked it up. They're ranked #1 in the world. They're pissed we let a bunch of flashy "me first" NFL players represent our country instead of them. They say, "NFL players don't know the game of flag football like we do." Because tackle football is an entirely different sport. Then Stefon Diggs says something like, "You think I give a fuck? I have millions of dollars in bank. What are you a fucking accountant?" Nobody will like that. Diggs will get dragged online for about a week. Yada, yada, yada. Then NFL training camp will start up and nobody will care anymore because honestly who gives a fuck about flag football when we have the NFL.