As you may have already seen from Francis' blog and I would imagine 19 New York Post articles, Dave has just bought a $42 million Nantucket home. It's the most expensive home purchase in Massachusetts history. From the first looks of it, you may think it's a tad bit nicer than my NYC apartment that is currently falling apart at the seams. But let's take a closer look at some comparisons:
Dave's House: 1.2 acres
My apartment: 700 square feet
Dave narrowly edges me out here by about 1.2 acres. But if we're going to talk use of space, the edge may have to go to me. I'm able to fit two bedrooms, a bathroom, washer/dryer/, combined kitchen/living room, AND a fancy bar cart all in my measly 700 square feet. Now that's efficiency. I bet Dave will have a bunch of wasted space where he's able to do things like "walk around" and whatnot.
Dave has a beautiful pool with crystal clear water, gorgeous views, pool chairs, and more. But I have this pot of water in my bedroom catching a leak from ceiling. And it's even got a neat yellow-ish color. You don't see pools like that too often! I think the uniqueness might give me the edge yet again.
Dave has a lovely view of the water and the ferry leaving the island. Can catch the sunsets. Get a great breeze. But I get to stare at this brick wall above an alleyway! Dave might have to deal with hearing the honks of the boats on the water. I don't face the street so I get total peace and quiet. Another point Tommy.
Dave's House: Underground tunnel leading from main house to guest house
My Apartment: This piece of wood between my kitchen and living room randomly getting raised up I think due to warping from water damage.
Errrrrmmmmm…..okay…. COOL FEATURE ALERT! You don't get to see this in many apartments! I guess an underground tunnel system is cool and seems like it's straight out of a spy movie…. but guess what? Sometimes I get to trip on this piece of wood! Advantage Tommy once more.
Dave's House: Probably doesn't even have any yet
My Apartment: This sign and Survivor buffs
Yeah I'm sure one day Dave may get some rare, awesome Banksy painting to hang in his mansion. But until that time comes, the hilarious grandma sign and Survivor buffs get the edge by default.
Dave's House: None yet
My Apartment: There's been literally so many in these four months I've lived here but this week takes the cake. Get this! Wednesday I got home around midnight after flying back from Chicago very tired and ready for bed. But when I opened my bedroom door, I saw this!
LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO. The ceiling fell off and fell on my bed due to a leak from all the rain! Then I got to call up my property manager and get in an argument with her on the phone at 12:30 AM! Then the next day they came to "fix" it but when I woke up this morning, it fell off again! And now there's a leak in my bathroom AND in my roommate's room! Coming through his fan somehow! And they can't fix any of it until all the rain stops! And we're in the middle of the worst week of rain in NYC history! And so I'm going to have to sleep on my couch for a third straight night! Probably even a fourth! ROFLOL.
Such classic fucking times that I will never forget. Throw another on the board for Ole Smokey!
Dave's House: Probably very rich people who live so far away that he never sees them due to the property size
My Apartment: These assholes
So due to all the leaking mentioned above, we've had to move a fair amount of furniture around to avoid having our belongings ruined. I would say maybe this happened no more than a handful of times in the past few days. And I'd add that we've lived here for four months and have never made a peep up until this point. But oh noooooooooooooo. The people below us have to deal with a wittle noise!! They heard maybe a bed leg hit the floor like three times! Oh these poor things!!!!!!!!!!! I hope they can survive it!!! Was it a wittle too woud on your wittle ears???
I responded with a note of my own about 10 minutes later explaining the situation by outlining all of our problems to hopefully make them feel like absolute shit and realize an important life lesson of perspective and to realize maybe people sometimes have a reason for their behavior.
Anyway, you can't make friends with your neighbors by passing little notes back and forth at Dave's place!
Dave's House: $42 million
My Apartment: Less than that
Wait so let me get this straight. I get all the advantages over Dave I listed above AND I save about $42 million dollars? Um okay that settles it.
Hopefully me and Dave can do a home and home slumber party soon so he can experience the luxury of my apartment and I can appreciate what I have by seeing how the less fortunate live.