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Scientists Have Discovered a 'Super Earth' That Makes Our Earth Look Like a Little Bitch

Daily Mail - Scientists have made an exciting and potentially ground-breaking discovery in the search for alien life, after detecting signs of a gas produced only by living organisms on a distant water planet.

K2-18 b, which is more than eight times the size of Earth and 120 light-years away from us, sits within the habitable zone of its cool dwarf star in the Leo constellation.

New earth just dropped. Nothing gets my juices flowing more than a story that loosely suggests we're on the verge of discovering aliens, but in the end will have nothing come of it.

If we get cucked by Super Earth, we might just have to call it a quits as a planet. Just give Kim Jong Un the launch codes and tell him to get it over with. It'd be one thing if we stumbled upon a new planet and everything was different. The aliens ate space food out of toothpaste tubes, had big bulbous heads, their public transportation was a series of pipes. The aliens would teach us some things. We'd bring some helpful new technology to the table as well. It would be a mutually beneficial experience, and both planets would be better off for it.

But if there's just a bigger better earth? An earth with a cleaner atmosphere, faster cars, no traffic, no homeless problem, and a better NFL... That would be too emasculating for our fragile egos to handle.

We'll end up exhausting all of our resources, spending billions and billions of dollars to travel to this new Earth. Then when we finally show up, we'll hop out of our spaceship like were about to have this groundbreaking extra-terrestrial encounter, expecting the Super Earthlings to be just as psyched as we are to finally interact with life on another planet. But it turns out they just don't give a shit at all.

"Yeah we already know everything about you. We've been watching you for years. You have nothing to offer us. Now please get your shitty archaic fossil fuel emitting rocket off our planet before you get your not-at-all-super Earth stink on us"

This might be bad news guys. We can't just have a better version of us out there. Once our earth gets a taste of Super Earth, life will seem meaningless. Remember when people got depressed after seeing Avatar because they wanted to live in Avatar land, and got sad they were stuck here on our lame ass planet?

It'll be like that times 1 million. I want to discover aliens as much as the next guy, but if we're going to jet off into space only to cuck ourselves by a Super Earth that makes our Earth look like the homeless shelter of Earth's... then maybe let's just keep to ourselves. What we don't know can't hurt us.