NYC Has a Mysterious 40 Story Windowless Skyscraper and Nobody Knows What It's Used For

Andreas Niendorf. Unsplash Images.

I love New York City as much as the next guy. It's the land of opportunity. The best city in the world. At least that's what I tell myself every month when I send my landlord $2,000. Or when the lights shut off on me in an empty subway car, and the only other person there is a shirtless man with multiple tear drop face tattoos brandishing a knife. Squaring up with a weaponized homeless man in a pitch black subway car is just one of the many things that makes the city great. Something you poor's in the middle of country couldn't begin to understand. It's called life experience. Read a book. 

Another thing the makes the city great is the mystery. There's a lot of mystery in these streets. Why is there always smoke coming out of the ground? Why are all the homeless people standing at 90 degree angles?  How are 4 boutique pet shops on the same block in Chelsea able to stay in business? So many unanswered questions. Most of which I'm perfectly content in not knowing. But there's one mystery that I can't just ignore. That mystery is located at 33 Thomas Street in Lower Manhattan.

Patrick Robert Doyle. Unsplash Images.

Daily Mail - People on social media have been left baffled by a mysterious skyscraper that's as tall as 40 stories in New York City. 

The creepy and unsettling building stands out against those around it and has caught the eye of many confused passers-by.

Its concrete face towers 40-stories high but there are no windows in sight, leading people to question what on earth goes on inside?

I've been thinking about this building non-stop ever since I learned it existed about an hour ago. It's creepy as hell. Now before you say something fucking stupid like, "John that's the old AT&T tower, and still to this day it's primarily used for phone signal switching." Take a step back and stop being a sheep for 1 minute of your life. That's what they want you to think. Then ask yourself, "Would a Barstool blogger let facts get in the way of wild speculation for a cheap blog that's only sort-of-funny at best?" Of course not. You're not sheep, and I'm not a facts guy. Dave Portnoy didn't build a media empire from the ground up using logic and reason.

You know how the old saying goes - The simplest explanation is never correct. Whenever there is a conspiracy, or something conspiracy adjacent, you can rest assured that the most fucked up & troubling explanation is probably the right one. So now that's we've ruled out the possibility of the building being any sort of cell phone tower thing, let's talk about what is really going on inside of 33 Thomas Street.

The leading theories are relatively straight forward. For a long time people have believed it to be a secret base for the NSA. With its "alleged" history as an AT&T tower, many people think the NSA is using it to spy on our phone calls. 

The building is also rumored to be able to withstand a nuclear blast, and allegedly contains enough food to last 1,500 people for 2 weeks. So if Kim Jong-whatever ever figures out how to launch a nuke any further than 10 yards downfield, you know where to go. Although after 2 weeks I imagine that building turns into a war zone. Soon you'll have a cannibal situation on our hands. On second thought it might be preferable to die in a fiery explosion. For the record, if there's a nuclear explosion, I'd like to die right away. I have no interest in the post-apocalyptic world. 

But anyways, those are relatively boring explanations. The NSA is spying on us. No shit.


"John what wacky idea do you have about what happens at 33 Thomas Street?"

I'm glad you asked. I think it's a giant stack of dead bodies.

Arisa Chattasa. Unsplash Images.

I've been in New York for over a year, and I haven't come across a single cemetery in the city. Google Maps tells me there are several on the outskirts of town, but I also found that approximately 452 people die in New York every day. Those cemeteries can't handle that type of volume. So what happens to the bodies? Do they just vanish into thin air? Are we sending them elsewhere? Maybe some families can afford to send their dead mee-maw upstate, but what about homeless people? Do you think were cremating every dead homeless person we find sprawled out on 7th avenue? No chance. The internet says they're taken to a place called Hart Island, but again, I refuse to believe they have any room left there. And they're not cremating them either. A single cremation costs thousands of dollars. I know the city isn't paying for that.

But you know what's cheaper? Find a broke drug addict, make him sign an NDA, then pay him in drugs to collect the body and Weekend At Bernie's it all the way to 33 Thomas Street to throw it on top of the pile. Every once in while they douse the bodies in gasoline and burn them into ash. Then all the smoke is filtered out through the ground 

I don't know that for sure, but that's my leading theory. My other theory is that it's a building that provides public services to famous people. Have you ever seen a famous person at the Post Office or DMV? Do you think Taylor Swift is going to update her license amongst all of us gross civilians? Absolutely not. She goes to the secret famous people public service departments located in the windowless tower. 

It's one of those two things I think. Unless it really is just a phone tower (year right).