Dumping Them Out: Speed Ranking Greatest Americans

John Rich5/28/2023 6:15 PM

Giphy Images.

Welcome back to a very American day before Memorial Day edition of Dumping Them Out. For today's episode, as Barstool Sports foremost leading patriot, we're going to be doing an American themed blog today

We're going to rip a speed rankings of great Americans. Remember, speed rankings are not like power rankings. When putting together a speed ranking, you list the first people that come to mind. No second guessing. We're going to rank the top 13 Americans, to represent the 13 stripes on our great flag, then 50 honorable mentions to represent the stars, plus one fringe American to represent Puerto Rico

13 Greatest Americans (Speed Ranking)

1. Hulk Hogan - I think Hulk Hogan is comfortable the most American figure in the history of our country. Professional wrestling is as American as it gets. Somehow Hulk Hogan's fu man chu, which is decidedly Asian, makes him more American. I'm not sure why, but I know that it's true.

Giphy Images.

2. Taylor Swift - As someone who DID NOT attend the Taylor Swift concert, but acquired videos from his girlfriend, and made a series of vague tweets that kind of implied it was me that went so that I would get more likes (although if you actually read my tweets it's clear that I was not the one going), I have a close personal connection with Taylor Swift. Selling out a football stadium 3 nights in a row, people flipping tickets for 20x their face value (capitalism), apparently dating a racist man, etc. It's all very American of Taylor.

3. John Rich (Country Singer) - I'm a great American in my own right, but I don't hold a candle to country singer John Rich. For example, I drank a Bud Light yesterday. Country singer John Rich wouldn't be caught dead in the same room as a Bud Light. Credit where credit is due, the man knows how to America.

4. Abraham Lincoln/George Washington - Seems like they belong on the list. Did you know that there have been 8 presidents who have died in office. We've had 46 total presidents, so that means if you're elected president you have a 17.39% chance of dying during your term(s).

5. Christopher Columbus - Despite an estimated 3-18 million Native Americans who were already living in the country when Christopher Columbus first stepped foot here, he was able to get himself credited as the man who discovered America. That's as American as it gets.

6. Jesus Christ - Although unequivocally not an American, this Middle Easterner does seem to have a good amount of influence over the American people.

7. Umpire (Cowboy) Joe West - Greatest umpire in the history of America's greatest game. Fights for the rights of marginalized individuals (other umpires).

8. Bald Eagle - For a long time I've thought it would be funny to run a smear campaign against bald eagles to see how worked up people get. But I'm too scared to do it. The idea of getting cancelled over a bird makes me laugh. But I won't. I love bald eagles. I love this country.

9. Golden Retriever - Moving onto the animal portion of the speed rankings, there is no dog that embodies the American Spirit more than the golden retriever. Currently, the most famous Golden Retriever in the world is a dog with the human name of Tucker Budzyn, which translates to a THC infused smokeless tobacco alternative that makes you tired (there are much better jokes in that name but it wouldn't be speed rankings if I took time to think of a good joke)

10. Joey Chestnut - Sticking with dogs, Joey Chestnut is the most dominant athlete in the history of sports. Much like in World War II, he had to overcome Japan in order to get there.

Bobby Bank. Getty Images.

11. The Marlboro Man - I don't think I should have to explain this one. Probably should have been higher on the list. When I would first buy cigarettes in high school, I would purchase Marlboro Reds. Nothing is more appealing to a 16 year old growing up in rural Ohio than the Marlboro Man. Very effective advertising.

12. Jackie Robinson - Broke the color barrier in Major League Baseball. Arguably the most important athlete in our country's history. It's either him or LeBron

13. Secretariat - Actually he might be the most dominant athlete of all time over Joey Chestnut. Have you ever actually looked at his times compared to other horses? It's shocking. For example, American Pharaoh ran the second fastest Belmont ever, and it was 2 full seconds slower than Secretariat's time. 2 seconds is like a full minute in horse years.

I wasn't as satisfied with the number of quality patriotic GIFs as I was expecting, so I'm going to transition to girls doing other American things (cowboy hats, horses, etc.)