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The Annual Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Police Blotter Round Up

Chicago really is a special place for St. Patrick’s day. 

I’m not saying other cities don’t blow it out of the water celebrating and partying, I’m just saying nobody does it quite like Chicago. 

With that said, we present a tradition unlike any other, the annual Barstool Chicago St. Patrick's Day police blotter recap. 

Shout out to the guys at CWB Chicago who do a tremendous job of monitoring the police radios on a daily basis and reporting to the public. And for providing a ton of these updates. If you haven't already, check them out, and follow them on twitter.

9:03 a.m. — A Chicago police big shot orders cops to start clearing spectators off the downtown bridges.

Ultimate game of whack-a-mole. Get two drunk Napervillians down off the bridge rail and 4 more hop up. Pointless command.

9:30 a.m. — A different Chicago police big shot: “The main goal right now is to keep the bridges clear.”

Why wasn’t this discussed in the film room on Tuesday coach, instead off right after the balls kicked off?

9:31 a.m. — Cop: All of the people we just cleared off of the bridges’ top decks are now on the lower decks.

Giphy Images.

9:44 a.m. — Communication snafu. Cop: Hey, the CTA was informed about the parade, but nobody told them about the river dyeing, so we have buses coming into the crowd.

If this isn’t the perfect microcosm for the state of Chicago and the CTA in 2023 I don’t know what is. 

9:56 a.m. —The second Chicago police big shot is back: No one is to be on the bridges at this time. They’re gonna start dyeing the river in four minutes.

That’ll work. 

10:01 a.m. — Cop: Pedestrians are bypassing the barricades to get onto the Michigan Avenue bridge. They are “ignoring me completely … No one is listening to anything at this point. It’s ridiculous.” A Chicago police bike team is sent over to help.

Shoulda listened to Batman and raised the bridges.

10:03 a.m. — Cop: We have a lot of people on the State Street bridge.

10:26 a.m. — Cop: Can we get help clearing the Columbus bridge? We got 300 or 400 people on it, refusing to leave.

11:00 a.m.- I will never understand these people. Had a buddy in college do this on a dare from some girls he was trying to impress (what’s up Hough), and poor kid got stuck in the water, couldn’t find a spot to climb out (this was before the river walk was beautifully built), got picked up by a boat. Then screamed at by police. Then released and had to spend the day shivering his ass off soaking wet. 

11:32 a.m. — Congratulations to the guy at Michigan and Adams. You’re the first arrest of the day!

11:35 a.m. — Congratulations to the unconscious woman at Michigan and Jackson. You’re the first EMS run of the day!

Can definitely tell covid rust is still a thing. A few years ago this time stamp was around breakfast time. In the 7-9am window. We’ll get back there. Don’t count us out. 

11:48 a.m. — Man down “at the Abraham Lincoln statue port-a-potties.”Dispatcher: What’s the male wearing?Cop: Black sweats, green shirt.

Rough. Hopefully he passed out face up, far enough away from the contamination of the port a John’s and not inside one, or in the sludge. 

12:30 p.m. — The parade is starting!

12:31 p.m — A man has broken through the barricades at Columbus and Jackson. He’s on the parade route, throwing up gang signs.

No taxation without representation 

12:33 p.m — Officer at the Subway restaurant, 69 West Washington: “Can I get a backup, please? Because everyone is drunk over here.”

This crew got started last night and kept it rolling. Impressive.

12:54 p.m. — Meanwhile, in Lakeview, Walgreens is calling about a man wearing an Irish hat and green jacket. He keeps stealing wine, drinks it outside, then comes back in to steal more wine. 1649 West Belmont.

Maniac behavior. Wine from a pharmacy is a desperate move to begin with. Wine at 1pm on St. Patrick’s day, that you’re not paying for, chugging, and heading back in for a second round is a cry for help. 

1:38 p.m. — Someone just threw milk jugs at the police. Columbus and Monroe.

1:41 p.m. — Be advised, the people who threw milk jugs at the police also stole the license plates off a Chicago police car. Officers request the police helicopter to “monitor the crowd” and look for their prime suspect: a male wearing a green jacket and an “Irish hat.”

Bold move. Somebody woke up this morning and decided they wanted to catch and ass whooping it seems. Let’s see how this plays out.

1:57 p.m. — Oh, gosh. Walgreens is calling again. The guy is completely drunk now. He’s behind the counter, stealing booze, and arguing with the manager. Still wearing the green jacket and green hat.

Suddenly it’s not cool to take what you want from Walgreens and not pay? I thought this was America?

2:01 p.m. — We have a sidewalk inspector in Wrigleyville—a “very intoxicated” man down just off the Clark Street bar strip. The pub crawl organizers’ private ambulance scoops him up.

I’m not sure who organized this pub crawl, I’m guessing it’s the T-box people? Either way, major props to them on buying or renting their own ambulance for their bar crawls after all these years. That’s called being responsible and pro active. Wanna invite 5,000 kids from the suburbs and Big10 schools to descend on Wrigleyville and blackout before noon on the name of dropping $50 on a t-shirt? Better get your own patty wagon/ambulance to round up the weak. 

2:13 p.m. — The police helicopter calls out a police foot chase as it makes its way down the parade route. Arrest #2 is eventually executed at Jackson and Columbus.

I have so many questions about this one.

2:25 p.m — Cop: “These two young ladies are not in distress, but they are extremely drunk and don’t seem to know where they’re going. They need to dry out.” State and Hubbard.

Something tells me they’re leaving Barstool River North bar and heading to Snickers

2:38 p.m. — Check the well-being. A 911 caller says there’s a guy lying in the middle of the street drinking a bottle of wine in front of Walgreens, 1649 West Belmont.

You like your vino on your porch, or deck, or even at the dinner table. Decanted, maybe chilled to a nice 57 degrees if it’s a French white. Some people like their Foxtail straight out of the bottle, room temp, sitting Indian style in the middle of Belmont Ave. Don’t throw stones 

2:45 p.m. - White Sox Dave makes his grand entrance to Uproar in Old Town and is reunited with the infamous "Blackhawks picture girl"

3:03 p.m. — Bro! The cops just arrested the Walgreens guy!

Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. That’s what they say in places not named Chicago. 

4:02 p.m. — Dispatcher to cop: Are you assigned to a location?Cop: No. We’re on foot, going around the Loop, slapping drinkers and urinators.Dispatcher: That sounds fun.

Here’s a crazy idea, the loop, and west loop I’m talking to you too, you want to continue to be “the spot” in Chicago now, where everybody wants to go and has all the cool trendy shit in town? Get your shit together with bathrooms. Then maybe people won’t have to find alleys and piss behind cars. Speaking of cars, figure out the parking situation while you’re at it. Would it kill somebody to build a fucking parking garage over there on Randolph underneath one of the 15 boho-chic chick clothing stores or white washed taco places? 

4:49 p.m. — Battery in progress. “Ten male Whites wearing green clothing are fighting.” Sheffield/Wellington.

These guys either got into it at Sheffields or Vaughns. But something’s telling me Vaughns. And it spilled outside because they have very smart and very capable bouncers. 

6:01 p.m. — EMS call on Sheffield.Dispatcher: “Male down on the ground. He’s wearing, guess what color?”Multiple voices: “Green.”

Hilarious guys. 

7:09 p.m. — EMS call, 303 East Wacker. “Male White in his 30s, wearing a green sweater and no shoes, is passed out, unresponsive in the lobby.” Fire’s rolling.

This guy has shit friends. You know they dumped him in a cab, gave the cabbie his address and a $20 and sent him on his way. Also, shit doorman. Unless this isn’t his building hand he was downstairs sending “you up?”, and “I’m here” texts to an even more drunk girl upstairs. Either way, shit way to end the day. 

Hey! I wonder what’s happening in Wrigleyville. Let’s go to Snapchat:

7:53 p.m. — Criminal damage to property in progress at Oz Park. Five intoxicated males are mounting the Tin Man.

Our heroes! Perhaps they got my memo and were attempting to do the job Lori refuses to?

9:32 p.m. — Wrigleyville: Someone got slugged at Slugger’s. He’s injured. Suspect description: Hispanic man wearing a green hoodie and a green pub crawl t-shirt.

They probably found this guy in no time. Not like that’s a needle in a haystack description or anything. 

#karma. If you dine and ditch you’re a scumbag of the highest order. Hope this guys teeth all fell out of his head. 

10:07 p.m — Just south of Wrigleyville, a motorist reports seeing a man passed out in the middle of Clark and School streets with his pants down to his ankles. Fire’s rollin’.

Really tough look for your friend here.

12:10 a.m. — Well-being check in Wrigleyville “A man keeps running up to people, screaming that he’s on meth.” You can guess what he’s wearing.

Just another example of how the Ricketts’ turned Wrigleyville into Disneyland. 

3:02 a.m. — Suspicious person in Wrigleyville. Caller says a man keeps ringing their bell, saying he lives on the fourth floor. It’s a three-story building.

Classic case of mistaken address. Has happened to us all. Including the Tyson Chicken heir.  

Now it’s getting real.

3:33 a.m.- 

Tony LaRussa is still in town?