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Sam Bankman-Fried Would Rather Rot In A US Jail Than Spend Another Second In The Rikers Island Of The Bahamas

Giphy Images.

My favorite part of when anyone famous goes to jail is when we start getting “leaks” from the inside about what type of inmate they are (think: become somebody’s bitch, popular amongst the inmates, is the guy who uses a razor to slice garlic so thin that it will liquefy in the pan with just a little oil, etc.).

Bernie Madoff cornered the market on Swiss Miss at Club Fed. Martin Shkreli was running his pharmaceutical company from a contraband phone. And Jeffrey Epstein was so nice to the guards they skipped their rounds and turned off the security cameras!

Well, we’ve already got a mole at Fox Hill Prison in the Bahamas where Sam Bankman Fried is being held  (friendly reminder: this place is hell on Earth… Klemmer blogged about the conditions that make Gitmo sound like the Four Seasons) while he awaits extradition.

WaPo - The official described the young ex-billionaire as “a little arrogant,” but overall “a nice guy” who has kept to himself and seemed “awfully scared” during his first days at the prison. He wouldn’t laugh when the other men held in the same room jokingly asked him how he managed to make so much money.

Earlier this week, as Bankman-Fried was watching a local TV news report about himself, the official asked him how he felt. He responded unperturbed: “It’s okay, I will deal with it,” the official recalled.

Shocker… this guy sucks at prison too. I’ve seen ‘Get Hard’ director’s cut enough times to know that when a dude with face tattoos makes a joke you fucking laugh. Not some courtesy laugh either. Belly laughs. Knee slapping. The whole nine.

The rocky start with his bunk mates might explain SBF’s latest legal maneuver: on Monday he plans to beg a judge to extradite his ass to the US.

Mr. Binky had originally planned to fight extradition to the US and remain in the Bahamas where he had a fighting chance.

But it appears that after having a chance to meet his new roommates (mostly rats… as in real rats, not the mafia variety) and get a look at his new digs (mostly poop buckets baking in the Bahamian heat) the baby back bitch can’t wait to come home and face 115 years in prison. 

Reuters - Former FTX Chief Executive Sam Bankman-Fried is expected to appear in court in the Bahamas on Monday to reverse his decision to contest extradition to the United States, where he faces fraud charges, a person familiar with the matter said on Saturday.

2000’s alt/emo rock band said it best: “I've seen more spine in jellyfish, I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.”

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