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Chicago Police Officer Becomes Infected With Florida Man Syndrome While On Vacation And Is Arrested For Pissing In An Ice Machine

PINELLAS COUNTY, Fla. (WFLA) — An off-duty Chicago police officer vacationing in Florida was arrested Monday after he was caught peeing into an ice machine while at a bar in St. Petersburg, according to the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office.

An arrest report says an employee at Jimmy B’s Beach Bar, located in the 6200 block of Gulf Boulevard in St. Petersburg Beach, was on their way to get ice from an ice machine when they found 30-year-old Henry Capouch “pissing” on the ice in the machine.

Sharing "Florida Man" headlines has become a national pastime. Other parts of the country point and laugh as that never ending episode of Cops we call a state spirals further into white trash madness. There are Florida Man halloween costumes and Florida Man souvenir t-shirts. It's basically a cottage industry at this point.

I did a quick Google of "Florida Man headlines" and these were just from the last two days.

It's easy to laugh these off as Florida just being America's meth-addicted trailer park cousin. Because it is. But I believe something else is happening.

This brings me to the story at hand. This Chicago Police Officer decides to go on vacation in Florida. A tradition most midwesterners are very familiar with. If your family had any money at all you took your vacations in Florida. They were almost always on the gulf side and you definitely went to Orlando at least once.  

If your family was poor then you drove to Myrtle Beach, which is like Aldi's brand Florida. Enjoy that creepy wax museum and try not to step on any needles while running on the sand, kids. 

Anyway, the officer decides to head on over to Jimmy B's Beach Bar for a couple overpriced frozen cocktails. From the pictures online this place looks like a middle-class paradise. The kind of place where guys named Rick wearing Oakley sunglasses and cargo shorts feel right at home. 

After a few hours of tossing back drinks and awkwardly dancing to the collection of local burnouts do their best cover of Cheeseburger in Paradise, nature comes calling. His back teeth are floating but there are 20 other guys with the same idea in line for the men's room. So what does he decide to do?

I believe if he were still in Chicago he would have waited like a normal human being. Or worst case scenario he would have went to the parking lot and relieved himself between a few cars. But he's in Florida. And he's caught a mean case of Florida Man syndrome. So "normal" is completely out of the question.

His cognitive ability is disrupted. Not from the 12 shots of cheap rum and 2000 grams of sugar he has consumed but by a sickness that can take down the most disciplined and resolute of men. A disease that can turn someone who is trained to deescalate conflicts into to someone who creates them. He was now a Florida Man.

In a fog, he saunters over to the ice machine, opens the lid, removes his junk, and starts to drain the main vein. He wasn't thinking of how disgusting of an act this is. That small voice that makes up his conscious was drowned out by Kenny Chesney crooning over rhythmic Caribbean drums. 

An employee - who was probably not shocked by this type of behavior since he in fact works at Jimmy B's Beach Bar located in Florida, USA - tried to politely remind the man that he is not a stray dog and people might enjoy their ice without piss all over it. This was the moment the dormant Florida Man syndrome activated and took over his motor skills.

When the worker told the 30-year-old off-duty officer to stop, Capouch began swearing and pushing the worker “a couple times” with both of his hands, arrest documents added.

How dare you challenge Florida Man! This guy was lucky his face didn't get eaten. You know how much it hurts to have to cut off a piss mid-stream? That would be enough pain to enrage anyone but this turned Florida Man into a flip flop wearing tourist version of The Hulk.

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You wouldn't like him when he's Florida!

Shortly after, the worker and a security guard escorted a Pinellas County deputy to where Capouch was sitting on the beach with his girlfriend.

Authorities said Capouch was “actively resisting,” and not obeying commands while being detained. “Capouch continued to yell and kept standing when told to sit multiple times,” the arrest report said.

This guy's poor girlfriend went on vacation with someone she loved and ended up bailing a complete stranger out of jail. Please do not hold it against him fair maiden, for he knows not what he did. Just get him some Pedialyte and back across the northern border ASAP.

It will take some time but the sickness will eventually wear off and he will return to his normal form like one of those zombies Will Smith was trying to cure in I Am Legend. Your loved one is not gone, but his dignity sure is.

Documents noted Capouch’s actions may have been influenced by alcohol. He was charged with disorderly conduct and simple battery.

Sure, old Hank was all jacked up on fruity cocktails. But that isn't why he caught a few charges while in America's dick. No one is immune to Florida Man syndrome. No one.