Captain Cons Is A Complete Doofus, Vol. XLI

Captain Cons decided to pipe up this morning because that's what Captain Cons does. Pipe up. He wrote this long ass diatribe on me and how I like to eat stuffing out of the bird while it's in the oven on Thanksgiving Day. 

I really don't want to dignify his blog with a response because it's filled with drivel only an internet commenter can conjure up. I know he's embellishing for the sake of being funny and all that. That's fine. Anyone and everyone trying to be funny or tell a story does it. That's fine. But straight up lying? Yeah... na. That's what Cons was doing, just lying. 

Let's go down the list. Full disclosure, I stopped reading the blog because it was so dumb. 

1. I said I eat the stuffing with a spoon. I'm a barnyard animal, sure, but even barnyard animals have *some* etiquette. I draw a line at sticking my hands into other peoples' food. 
2. I also said I wait until the bird is just about finished cooking. 10-15 mins left in the meal. I am fully aware of the dangers of contracting salmonella poisoning
3. I don't do this unless it's my immediate family and immediate family only eating the bird. 

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Cons is the definition of a lemming. He is insecure, so he is afraid to give an opinion on anything until others do. Once he has gathered an ample sample size of where the internet wind is blowing, he blows right with it. Nuance or gray area doesn't exist to him; he takes one thought and runs with it over the internet cliff. Zero originality from him or ability to think freely. He's truly a broken brain.

None of that should come as a shock to anybody who knows him though. It doesn't for me at least, but I'm so used to it I don't even really care anymore. Cons is a doofus and will always be a doofus. He calls me "raccoon boy" and that's fair. 

But at least I'm not unoriginal

Instead, I want to highlight this part of his blog and something lemmings on the internet think they "got me" on about the most recent draft: the definition of tradition.

I said that sneaking a spoonful or two of stuffing each year from the (99%) cooked bird isn't a tradition just because it's done yearly. Doing something yearly doesn't make it a tradition. To me, a tradition has thought behind it. It has meaning. It's not a mindless activity that takes less than 10 total seconds. I articulated this poorly on the episode, as always, but anyone who has any ability AT ALL to see nuance knew exactly what I meant.

Don't take my definition to heart though. Take Merriam Webster's: 

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This ain't something passed down to me by William Williams or his elders. It ain't inherited. It's ain't a "belief". It's ain't a social custom. It's just something I do each year on Thanksgiving, assuming I'm eating at my dad's house that year. Completely and totally mindless. It's no different than me eating a summer sausage and cheese Ritz cracker, something I also typically do on Thanksgiving. Is that a tradition? I don't see it as one, and neither does Merriam Webster. 

Oh, and to Cons point - my dad sees me do it every year. He doesn't give a shit. Even if I were double dipping the spoon into the stuffing he wouldn't give a shit. He's my dad. That's semantics though. 

I wake up every Thanksgiving morning and take a shit. That's not a tradition. I look at IG skeeze balls every Thanksgiving morning. That's not a tradition. If I'm smoking a brisket, I take a cheater slack off the edge when it's also near completion. That's not a tradition. Cons is a moron though and he'll spin this the way the rest of the internet is spinning it, that just because I take a spoonful of stuffing from the turkey's gaping cavity each year, that it's tradition. 

Ya know what's tradition? Going to the casino with my dad every year, because my entire immediate family lives all over the world (lGermany, Cali, NJ, TX are where 4 of my 5 siblings reside, the last being in Chicago) so it's usually just him and I "celebrating" the holiday aka going out and responsibly losing money to Penn Entertainment, Inc. 

It's just not. If anything, all it is is a lack of will power. I just can't wait the extra 20 mins before inhaling delicious boxed, instant stuffing. Nothing more. You lemmings are reading far too into this and if you agree with Cons, you're a clown.

For much more on the Thanksgiving subject, check out this week's Dog Walk.