Barstool vs. America presented by High Noon - Season 2 | Episode 4WATCH NOW

Am I Dying Or Am I Just Getting Older? An Investigation

This is me, today. I'm sick, yet again. How often am I sick? Weekly. Do I treat my body like garbage? Sure, but honestly, I've treated it worse. The onslaught of sickness and sensitivity has had me panicking for a while now, maybe a year or so. I've gone to a few different doctors trying to diagnose my various ailments, and ultimately, I'm fine. I think it's finally time to come terms with the fact that...I am just getting old.

I'm 31 years old. Not "old," really, but I've come to realize that the difference in how my body feels/reacts to living everyday life is a lot harder than it was at, say, 21. Everyone always tells you, "it sucks getting old." But, like, OLD people say that. My grandparents say that. Surely I have years and years before I start saying things like, "getting old sucks"? 

Here's a list of self-diagnoses I've made over the years, some of which I've consulted professionals and never actually ended up resolving:

- Restless leg syndrome. I knew it the minute I started seeing those commercials on TV. My "resting state" is not resting at all. I can be laying down on the world's most comfortable couch, and my legs are wilding out all over the place. 

ALTERNATE DIAGNOSIS: I don't walk around enough in a day, I am constantly sitting, I never work out AT ALL, any time I take a long walk somewhere this situation almost always rectifies itself. Sure, I still can't find a comfortable sleep position, but as the child of a Car Guy, I know that the most important thing to do is take the car out for a spin every once in a while to make sure it's all still working. 

- A Broken Back. Yes, I am convinced my back is broken. Or at least some kind of slipped disc. How could this have happened? Well, for the past year I've physically exerted myself on 2 reality shows as if I was as nimble as 7th grade gym class (the last time I physically exerted myself.) I don't walk enough to blame it on New York City, so we'll blame Barstool Vs America.

ALTERNATE DIAGNOSIS: I sleep like a crumpled up bat on a mattress with so many foam pads on top of it that I'm probably retraining my spine to curve like an S shape.

- Chronic Migraines. Now, this one is real. Anyone who pretends that migraines are fake, have just never had one. This is a true problem I am having and it prevents me from going to so many fun events with my friends, because I have to stay home and sit in the dark.

ALTERNATE DIAGNOSIS: I do actually have migraines and I've gotta get to the doctor. But, maybe...they are made worse by the fact I drink 1 full water bottle a day, and that's it? Maybe I should be more diligent about my allergy meds? Maybe I don't need to drink a whole bottle of champagne as a pregame drink before a night out? Lots to think about. 

- Depression. But who doesn't, right?

ALTERNATE DIAGNOSIS: Move to a beach and become an Island Gal 

- Temporomandibular joint dysfunction. TMJ. "LOL its from too many blowjobs!" No. No blowjob could ever bring the pain that this TMJ rains down. This is the newest of my issues, only on my right side, and its agony. It's not all the time, only when I'm stressed out, but holy christ why don't more people bitch about this? 

ALTERNATE DIAGNOSIS: Giving too many blowjobs

All things that seem easy to categorize, right? Don't even get me started on the semi-constant "flu like symptoms" that come around. Do I actually have the flu every time? No. I'm just, apparently, a frail old lady who gets sick a lot. I'm constantly cold, I can barely use my hands to open water bottles or cans of salsa. I've gotten really into plants lately. Everything I eat makes me feel nauseous. I'm not going gray, but I did find a questionably blonde eyebrow hair the other day. I think it's time to face the music.

Should I take all of this sitting down?

During my BEST YEARS? Absolutely not. I refuse. All else is true about your 30s, it does feel nicer. I definitely still have financial insecurity but everything else? I'm kind of crushing it. I feel smarter, better, cooler, and I don't really care if anyone else agrees. It's a great feeling. That being said, it's time to sort my body out. 

POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS

- Treat my body better

- Become a full time alcoholic  

- Move to the beach

- Go to therapy

- Give less blow jobs

- Take more walks

- Get a new bed

For now, I'll continue writing from my couch with my closed up throat and fever chills that apparently, the flowers I now love so much, gave to me. Praise be.