WWE star Montez Ford makes a guarantee for Wrestlemania

I've never been to a Wrestlemania and current WWE star Montez Ford has never performed at a stadium Mania.

Next week the streak ends for both of us. 

Yesterday, we sat down for a brilliant 30-minute interview where I said a lot of mediocre jokes and he did a lot of fake famous guy laughing. It briefly made me feel funny but then the eternal melancholy of dullness descended back into my soul. It's comfortable at least.

Montez Ford is a star. He's got charisma oozing out of his charisma. The guy is entertaining as hell. 

In this video, he:

  • Guaranteed the Street Profits' match with RK-Bro and Alpha Academy would steal the show at Wrestlemania, which is coming up April 2-3 on Peacock.
  • Dressed his ass off. Seriously look at that coat.
  • Discussed his absurdly talented wife, Bianca Belair. She'll be wrestling for the Raw Women's Championship against Becky Lynch.
  • Told me his vertical leap is 40+ inches. I believe him.

I'm not gonna lie to you. Please watch the video. If you don't watch it, at least click on the damn thing. Listen, Tommy Walker is 11 now but he's gonna be driving in a few years. I've already kind of stretched out his expectations for life by bringing him to be on The Yak in New York City once every six months or so. When he gets to 16 and I have to buy him.a car, I'm going to have to buy him a pretty nice one. I can't be having Tommy Walker driving around in a 1993 Ford Probe missing two hubcaps like I drove in high school. I gotta make him look proper.

And then there's my wife. I lied to her last week and told her my new contract is for way more money than it actually is. Seriously she thinks we're set now. In reality, yeah, I'm here three more years but my new deal is worth less than the travel budget for Jersey Jerry's Feet the Streets tournament. I'm worth less than a midwest housewife's midnight red toenail polish that a tiny fake Italian man judges and then pleasures himself to before work. Think about that. Wait, is Jersey Jerry fake Italian or is that Rico? What is Jerry anyway?

Anyway, I need the money. Click on the damn video. What else are you doing besides crafting your 27th "Kirk Minihane's toilet seat" twitter handle this month? Click on the goddamn video. Is it really going to fucking hurt you? Click on the video!