400-Pound Russian Dude Chained Himself To A McDonald's In Protest Of The Fast Food Chain Closing Its Stores In Russia


A Russian man was not lovin’ it that McDonald’s was about to shutter it stores in the country amid the invasion of Ukraine – so he chained himself to one of its eateries in Moscow in a last-ditch attempt to keep it open.

The Golden Arches fan, identified as Luka Safronov, was filmed staging his protest hours before the burger giant was set to temporarily close its 850 restaurants in Russia, the Mirror reported.

“Closing down is an act of hostility against me and my fellow citizens!” Safronov reportedly yelled as customers flocked inside to grab their last Big Macs and other staples before the chain closed down its operations.

I love this lard ass. There's nothing better on this planet than a greasy ass McDouble, an extra large fry, some Mickey D's Coke and - if at an appropriate time of day - a #2 sausage & egg McMuffin with an extra hash brown (or two… or three). Nobody knows that better than ol' 500 pound Nikas over here. Can you blame him? I can't. Whatever gross ass meat McDonald's uses and however they concoct their Coke is magical. If you take those three things away from him, he dies. Simple as that. Just look at the guy - he might as well liquify McDonald's food and mainline it directly into his artery.

As for his method of protest? I love it. That should be obvious as I'm the inventor of chaining myself to things in protest. It's perfect in every way: traffic doesn't get blocked, stores don't get looted, cars aren't lit on fire, and boxes of tea don't wind up floating in a harbor. It's just you and only you. It's beautiful, really. The right to protest is an unalienable right. I support American and global initiatives to stop Putin and his cunty invasion of Ukraine, but seeing this Russian dude protest a western shut down in his country damn near brings a tear to my eye. It's not his fault his dictator sucks, but he has to pay for that dictator's wrongdoings anyways. 

Fast forward to opening day 2022. If I don't deem the White Sox solution in RF and the backend of the rotation suitable, I will do something drastic. A chaining is the best, most efficient form of protest, so that seems right to me. Let's take a look at RF since the last time I chained myself to a statue in protest:

2019: a whole lot of Ryan Cordell (who?)
2020: Nomar Mazara
2021: Adam Eaton

And all of those guys were absolute dog shit. Doesn't even take into account all of the innings Leury Garcia, Dan Palka, Nicky Delmonico, and others that have manned RF. Don't have ass this offseason. Don't make some shit signing and go into the year saying "we'll reassess at the deadline." There's a guy who fits EVERY bill you need. LH hitter. Solid defense. Power, walks, etc. His name is Michael Conforto. Push chips and make it happen.

Or I'll chain… just kidding. I'll bitch on twitter. Make it happen White Sox