FOX New York - So-called "sex mayhem" has been driving New Yorkers crazy over the past year of the pandemic, with the cacophonous sounds of coitus driving many people to file complaints with the city.
According to data obtained by Patch.com, New York City's 311 system received 277 complaints between February 19, 2021 and February 9, 2022 from people annoyed, unable to sleep, or left just plain frustrated by loud lovemaking.
"I've slept through earthquakes and fires in my life," one complainant from Greenwood Heights in Brooklyn said. "I couldn't sleep through this."
Queens produced the most complaints, with 103, with Manhattan coming in second with 66. Brooklyn produced 55, the Bronx 48, and Staten Island just four.
For shame Staten Island. For shame...
I call bullshit on this complainant that claims they can sleep through construction but not their next-door neighbor knocking boots.
There's jackhammering, and then there's jackhammering.
Casual sex moans and hooting and hollering aren't gonna wake you from your dreams. If anything, they'll influence them and if you're lucky Kate Beckinsale will pop up in the middle of your nightmare where you're free-falling and turn your frown upside down.
Construction on the other hand?
No way no how to sleep through. And all due respect to my blue-collar hammer swingers out there, but those fuckers start their day at like 7 am. And they love to push it earlier and earlier because that means they can get to the bar at 2:50 instead of 3.
Heavy machinery, beeping trucks backing up, and actual jackhammering
are waking you up and keeping you up.
So this all sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me…
One complaint cited in the Post was about a man's neighbors singing perverted Christmas carols during sex.
"Some guy is singing Jingle Balls at the top of his voice while another person is screaming yes daddy come down my chimney," a complaint made on Dec. 23, 2021, said. "It has been going on for hours. I’m tired of hearing these people singing Christmas carols while they have sex all day."
If this actually happened, which I'm on the fence about believing, give this guy an award.
One of the best sentences I've read in a long time, and it's not even from Penthouse Letters. It's from a Patch.com report.
The article referred to "a guy" and "another person", I'm thinking that had to be two guys based on the killer comeback regarding the chimney. I don't think a girl could be that clever unless she's a pro.
But if I'm wrong, then sincere apologies.
In a statement to Patch, the NYPD said it took all quality of life complaints seriously.
"[We] will continue to monitor and address all complaints," Police spokesperson Detective Sophia Mason said.
The vast majority of grievances were labeled "unfounded," "unnecessary" or not criminal. Seventeen were logged as "unable to enter," two as "gone on arrival" and three were referred to another agency, but 311 records don’t say which. Three more were labeled as "other" without more details, according to the Post.
The fact police have to go knock on doors for shit like this is ridiculous. Getting interrupted by a knock on your door mid-thrust will ruin the whole romp and throw you off your game. Throwing on a towel and going to the door to see some cops would probably give you a heart attack.
Having them tell you congrats on the sex, keep it the fuck down, would be mortifying.
p.s. - Forgetting Sarah Marshall is a very underrated rom-com.