Job Title Doesn't Matter, The 1st Day Always Sucks
If you're not doing slow motion shots of newly hired football decision makers walking into the team building then you fucking suck. That's a message for all NFL teams as we dig our heels into this alarmingly universal trend. There's a lot of work to be done at some historic franchises, but not before we publicly breakdown their presence and gait. Does that look like the step & stride of a man destined to absolve decades of futility? I don't know either but the fellas are gonna flip when they see how Halas hall illuminates the entrance.
Bigger picture though, far away from football, I can't help but feel awful for all the NFL new hires and that's because your 1st real day on the job bllllooooowwwwwsssss. Basically any job regardless of industry and experience. I know these days so much is done from home but more often than not, you have to at least show up to HQ in some capacity. And those first days in person absolutely blow. Everyone is so unauthentically nice and interested. There's so many handshakes and introductions and people explaining their Title I'm technically in charge of managing our client service workflow process for the midwestern midmarket nonprofit vertical.
A robust team of 1
You're wearing new clothes or carrying a new briefcase or sporting a new haircut or new something (definitely socks). It's a new job. You can't be old you. Give me the new guy with a sense of purpose and the building keycard affixed to a 38 inch Banana Republic belt.
Welcome to hell.
You eat lunch with a group of coworkers that only assembles for meals or drinks on the 1st or last day of someone's employment. Otherwise they might as well work in different countries. You go to a nearby spot the loud Indiana grad swears by. He praises the family owned atmosphere and TV layout. Fifty seven plasmas, all mounted. That's one plasma per 66 square feet.
It's a Beef O Brady's and your new coworker just made the executive decision for two orders of nachos before the waters even hit the table.
Hey Crystal - double order
75 minutes of that bullshit then you're back in a windowless conference room flipping through an open enrollment powerpoint that's littered with grammatical errors and misspellings. The 27 year-old HR "specialist" fresh off her parent's family coverage explains your health insurance options. 15 minutes deep, she's on slide 6 of 73 fumbling her way through HSA income tax implications. This one's super good if you don't go to the Emergency Room for the next 18 months. Good thing this room doesn't have windows.
Whaddya mean No Dental?
"Let me know if you have any questions" echos with each introduction. What initially seems like a kind gesture is actually starting to add up. Nearly 20 people have independently offered vague levels of assistance and all but one will hate your fucking guts if you actually follow through.
Hey Gene I was hoping you could walk me through the Salesforce reporting tools next week
6 hours on location and you're already making enemies. Don't say it if you don't mean it Gene.
Next up is the trip to the creatures at the IT desk. Those soulless monsters insist you install an app to connect email to your phone, but really it's just a productivity tracker with GPS capabilities. Isn't that illegal? Probably somewhere. But your employment agreement includes some fine print about waiving privacy rights and consenting to surveillance. If you want work emails on your phone then we need to install this app. Easy decision. The cost of convenience dwarfs the price of privacy. Milhouse eagerly takes your phone
The pass code is 555555
He naturally encourages a switch to Android. He says it's much easier to sync with company software which makes you uncomfortable. Why are IT guys always pushing Android? Read a fuckin room one time pal.
If it's a traditional office job, maybe you get a laptop. Maybe you get a desktop. At the very least you get a place to sit and it's always so much worse than you hope. Nobody has ever gone home first day on the job and celebrated their cube and that's actually outdated office design. Open concept basically means you're sharing a table and everyone can see your monitor. The panic and ensuing anxiety is unavoidable. You're already doing the math on how long this will be your desk. The guy next to you has a stability ball chair. Across from him a woman reheats Indian food.
If the boss is in, maybe you get a quick intro. Spoiler - he doesn't give a fuck. Four decades of turnover has rendered this man numb to employee relations. He tells you not to burn the place down and means it literally. This man will never like you.
Then it's off to the kitchen. There you'll discover underwhelming coffee options fit for a hospital cafeteria. Another round of introductions that weren't important enough for the morning. More titles. More bullshit. Virtually the same conversation.
Then you finally settle in. It's 3:30 and you're in your email for the first time. Zenefits here. ADP there. Virtual training for things like not to punch your coworker and why you can't tell your boss her tits look fantastic. You're counting down minutes to packing up. You'll end up staying past 5:30 because you don't want to look selfish. But let there be no doubt that you're a hard 9-5 when you have to come in.
4pm. There's a dump brewing but the same sex bathroom conversion has created a social dynamic you've not yet conquered. It's an actual realization that you may never poop at work. The Beef O Bradys disagrees. The next hour is a real battle, and every day thereafter.
That's the point. The first day of new office life sucks and it only gets worse. Here's hoping that Matt & Ryan 2.0 are better fits for it.
More this week on Red Line Radio about our new leaders.