Casting Every NFL Head Coach Now That Kevin James Is Sean Payton
For reasons yet explained, Netflix has put real money and a lot of people's time into making a slapstick child comedy about Sean Payton's year due to BountyGate. Playing Payton is Kevin James and one can only think the single requirement for this role was simply availability, or better put, lack of anything booked therefore BAM he's your Sean Payton.
So, now because of this, I have to do it. Cast the rest of the NFL head coaches if / when there is a Netflix movie made about them. We'll go by divisions.
AFC East
New England / Bill Belichick: Mel Gibson
Maddie Meyer. Getty Images.
Kypros. Getty Images.
The guy has a pretty great scowl. Plus, ya know he already has experience playing a Patriot.
Buffalo Bills / Sean McDermott: Bill Burr
Trask Smith. Shutterstock Images.
I mean they may actually be related. Ron Howard also would work if you're going for more slapsticky.
New York Jets / Robert Saleh: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
Dustin Satloff. Getty Images.
Getty Images.
Both ripped. Both with a beaming bald head. The Rock has never said "no" to anything so you know his schedule would clear up for this in-between FF12 and the next adaptation of Jumanji. Plus he's become the most famous guy on the planet for getting people to watch absolute shit so it's perfect for the Jets.
Miami Dolphins / Brian Flores: Jamie Foxx
Adam Glanzman. Getty Images.
Roy Rochlin. Getty Images.
He's bulking up to play Mike Tyson in a biopic, why not keep the weight on to play Brian Flores?
AFC North
Baltimore Ravens / John Harbaugh: Greg Kinnear
Scott Halleran. Getty Images.
Gregg DeGuire. Getty Images.
You know that a Harbaugh family film is going to be on it's way. I mean they're two brothers who coached against each other in the Super Bowl for gods sake how is there not a made-for-tv-Disney movie about it already? Kinnear has that smugness to him that little John Harbaugh does.
Cincinnati Bengals / Zac Taylor: Jason Bateman
Nic Antaya. Getty Images.
Kevin Winter. Getty Images.It's the nose.
Cleveland Browns / Kevin Stefanski: Ben Affleck
Jason Miller. Getty Images.
Frederick M. Brown. Getty Images.It's crazy to think about we already live in a world where there is a fictional movie featuring the Cleveland Browns so it'd just be plain unfortunate for there to be another one especially based on real life, but if there was I think Ben Affleck fits here. He's doing gambling commercials and like some Hallmark basketball coach movie so fuck it, give 'em Stefanski.
Pittsburgh Steelers / Mike Tomlin: Omar Epps
Christian Petersen. Getty Images.
Tommaso Boddi. Getty Images.Maybe the most obvious casting of the whole blog.
AFC South
Houston Texans / ?: Honestly the Texans are such a shitshow and their coach is a journeyman placeholder so they don't even get one.
Indianapolis Colts / Frank Reich: Kevin Costner
Andy Lyons. Getty Images.
Axelle/Bauer-Griffin. Getty Images.Costner's a guy who already has experience leading a football team on screen (Draft Day) and now his ranchin' days in Yellowstone has him more than ready to act while leading horses.
Jacksonville Jaguars / Urban Meyer (for now): Liev Schrieber
Kevin C. Cox. Getty Images.
Pascal Le Segretain. Getty Images.Schrieber better get ready because that call has gotta be comin' sooner than he thinks.
Tennessee Titans / Mike Vrabel: Joe Manganiello
Adam Glanzman. Getty Images.
Rich Fury/VF20. Getty Images.Mangiello has made a career out of these corny ass movies so it's perfect for him and another excuse for late night hosts to be able to show pictures of Sofia Vergara on the press tour.
AFC West
Denver Broncos / Vic Fangio: Matthew Perry
Icon Sportswire. Getty Images.
Theo Wargo. Getty Images.The Friends reunion is finally over so he could use some work, right?
Las Vegas Raiders / Jon Gruden: Frank Caliendo
Getty Images.
David Becker. Getty Images.Yes, I realize Jon Gruden isn't the head coach of the Raiders anymore. But, if anyone is going to make a Netflix movie about them, it'll be about his falling out. Who better to play Gruden then the man who has him down to a tee?
Los Angeles Chargers / Brandon Staley: ?
MediaNews Group/Orange County Register via Getty Images. Getty Images.Honestly this guy is so non memorable would they even include him in the script? I really don't think so.
Kansas City Chiefs / Andy Reid: Christian Bale
Getty Images.
Axelle/Bauer-Griffin. Getty Images.Another famed weight gaining journey for method actor Christian Bale.
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys / Mike McCarthy: Jack Black
Rob Carr. Getty Images.
Alberto E. Rodriguez. Getty Images.I mean I even surprised myself with how spot on this one is.
New York Giants / Joe Judge: Beck Bennett
Rich Schultz. Getty Images.
Emma McIntyre. Getty Images.Idk, he's not on SNL anymore so why not.
Philadelphia Eagles / Nick Sirianni: Justin Bartha
Icon Sportswire. Getty Images.
Ben Gabbe. Getty Images.Throw in Nic Cage and it could double as National Treasure 3.
Washington / Ron Rivera: John Leguizamo
Chris Unger. Getty Images.
Jemal Countess. Getty Images.NFC North
Chicago Bears / Matt Nagy: Will Arnett
Chris Unger. Getty Images.
Tommaso Boddi. Getty Images.Detroit Lions / Dan Campbell: Paul Wright "The Big Show"
NurPhoto. Getty Images.Who better to play Motorcity Dan Campbell than Captain Insano.
Green Bay Packers / Matt LaFleur: James Franco
Getty Images.
Dimitrios Kambouris. Getty Images.He can play a scientist responsible for Planet of The Apes, so how bout coach of the Green Bay Packers.
Minnesota Vikings / Mike Zimmer: Kevin Pollack
Hannah Foslien. Getty Images.
Jeff Kravitz. Getty Images.NFC South
Carolina Panthers / Matt Rhule: Dan Fogler
Michael Hickey. Getty Images.
Roy Rochlin. Getty Images.Atlanta Falcons / Arthur Smith: Matt Walsh
Richard Rodriguez. Getty Images.
Bennett Raglin. Getty Images.New Orleans Saints / Sean Payton: Kevin James apparently
Jason Merritt/TERM. Getty Images.Tampa Bay Buccaneers / Bruce Arians: John C. Reilly
Julio Aguilar. Getty Images.
Maria Moratti. Getty Images.NFC West
This division is interesting because there's at least two coaches who are annoyingly handsome. It's the Hollywood division of the NFL.
Arizona Cardinals / Kliff Kingsbury: Ryan Gosling
Icon Sportswire. Getty Images.
Christopher Polk. Getty Images.This probably ties Tomlin and Omar Epps as most obvious casting.
Los Angeles Rams / Sean McVay: Josh Hutcherson
Jayne Kamin-Oncea. Getty Images.
Jason LaVeris. Getty Images.San Francisco 49ers / Kyle Shanahan: Baker Mayfield
Lachlan Cunningham. Getty Images.
Joe Robbins. Getty Images.The former Heisman Trophy winner and number one overall pick makes a smooth transition into his post playing days by fully going into acting after his smashing success series of "At Home With Baker Mayfield" Progressive commercials.
Seattle Seahawks / Pete Carroll: Richard Gere
Otto Greule Jr. Getty Images.
Michael Loccisano. Getty Images.So there ya have it. Some of them are spot on. Some of them are a bit of a stretch. But if we live in a world where 1. there is a family comedy about Bountygate and 2. Kevin James is cast as Sean Payton then well…anyone can be cast as just about anything.