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How My Life Has Changed Since I Grew A Beard

In case you've missed it (unlikely), I have a beard now. Been letting this thing flow for about 10 days and it's starting to come in real nice. It's thick. It's luscious. It's, frankly, hot as fuck. And people are starting to notice. Let's just say my life has gotten significantly better now that I look like a rugged lumberjack. 

Here are some examples....

The Women

Corinna and I have a little back and forth going on the past couple weeks. She tagged me in her Instagram story, we exchanged some DMs, she tweeted at me. It's whatever. It never progressed past the talking stage. 

But you know how the media is with their sensationalized stories. Then she tweeted at me and said I was being too clingy??? Wtf is that about. Was it the handful of tweets I sent and multiple videos I made? Probably. 

But now that I have this beard, Corinna knows a guy that can grow this much facial hair could never be "clingy." Undecided if I'll respond to her yet. 

I Got (Another) Raise

As is tradition, Dave sent me his daily "Happy (insert day of week)!" text. But today, I was in no mood for the small talk. I'm a man now with testosterone levels at an all-time high. It's about time I got paid my worth. Luckily, Dave is a generous boss and knows he can't let a bearded talent like me get away. 


It was just a mere few weeks ago that this interaction happened. 

Now, Bryce is always BLOWING UP my phone. He can't get enough of my TikToks. I'll probably be invited to the Sway House soon. 

My Dad Respects Me

First time he's ever said it!

Ex-Girlfriends Are Coming Back

Give it up already. Girl just can't move on. 

People Are Intimidated By Me

Every single day in high school, I'd get shoved in a locker. "Baby face Tommy!" the bullies would yell. Well, I get the last laugh now. Nobody even attempts to mess with me. 

New Career Opportunities 

This guy Quentin something will not stop hitting me up about movie roles. Now he wants me to play Lincoln? Said they can't find anyone in Hollywood with a naturally thick enough beard to pull the role off or something. Well sorry buddy, but I'm very happy here at Barstool now that I got my massive raise. 


Not sure what this one is about. Uncle Phillip is a weird dude. He went away to college for like 10 years when he was 45. Not sure why it took so long. Also so late to start school. And we weren't allowed to visit him ever. Whatever. 

The point is… my life has gotten a LOT better with this beard. If you're looking to turn things around in your life, I recommend giving it a shot.