Now, I'm sure people are going to read that headline and think to themselves, "That wasn't dumb as shit. YOU'RE dumb as shit." Which is extremely rude! I'm a person with feelings, you know? No need to start a Wednesday morn with such hostility. But that's neither here nor there. The point remains, this video montage really rubbed me the wrong way for as many as three specific reasons. There could be more reasons, but as of the typing of these sentences I have only conjured three. It will be a surprise to all of us if more are listed by the time you reach the end of this blog.
1. Much like my qualms with GODZILLA VS. KONG, there's no world in which a single knight could thwart a kraken. Absolutely none. Kraken running up the score like the '01 Miami Hurricanes. Women and children would have to shield their eyes out of fear of being permanently scarred after seeing the kraken dismantle the knight. I understand this is a pregame hype video for the hometown team, but let's try to live in reality for once.
2. All of that, of course, is working under the assumption that the kraken was even attacking the knight in the first place. We do not know the motives of the beast. All the evidence we've had presented to us in this video is that the kraken came up for a refreshing breath of air. Nothing more nothing less. Why am I to assume he is evil and has the appetite for murder and destruction? Feels like a pretty big leap. No jury would convict that kraken based on this. I've never once met an evil kraken, so to paint them in such a negative light is fake news at best. Which brings me to really the largest reason I'm upset.
3. The people behind this motion picture very clearly did not grow up playing Pokémon. The logic that some sort of fire beam would take down a water beast is laughable. You need a Bulbasaur twirling leaves and whipping vines at this sea bastard if you really don't want him on your block. Fire would cause minimal damage and likely just anger the kraken into doing unimaginable things to the knight that, again, would scar the women and children.
4. (I remembered there was a fourth point) If I was a little kid, and this was my first ever hockey game, there's no chance I'm leaving that arena a Vegas Knights fan. Who gives a shit about the final score, kids do not have the attention span to make it that far into the game to remember some detail as paltry as the score. That Kraken looks so goddamn cool. You can't animate the opposing team to look cooler than the home team. That's rule numero uno. And if you're going to make the kraken look that cool you cannot have your finishing move be the glowing circle of doom. If that was how lazily Mortal Kombat animated their finishing moves that game would've sold seven total copies.