I Won The Coolest Dude Draft on The Furry Humps Of Joe Camel
On the last episode of LCB, we reviewed the shitty new Hugh Jackman movie Reminiscence, did some news and did a draft of the coolest dudes. Let me pitch to you how I won this competition.
Pick 1(3) Harrison Ford:
We're talking about a man who played 2 of the coolest characters in movie history in Han Solo and Indiana Jones. Solo is the goalposts for any story trying to make a lovable rogue, and gave us endless cool moments including one of the coolest lines in movie history:
Indiana Jones kicked Nazi ass and ran through cheeks like a proctologist. He was so cool that he made college professors, one of the least cool professions, look cool. Also, he played the coolest president ever in Air Force One. Yea, Bill Pullman talked the talk. But Ford walked the walk.
In real life Ford is maybe even cooler. He's an avid pilot but has crashed his planes like a thousand times. That might not sound cool, but surviving a billion plane crashes is actually supremely cool. He doesn't give a damn about the debates of Star Wars nerd culture, and has been a partier even out into his old age.
Pick 2(4) Brad Pitt:
Pitt was and still is the definition of cool. He's been the cool guy throughout 3 decades of cinema and has somehow never lost his fastball. In fact, I'd even argue that Cliff Booth(his character in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood) was a top-5 coolest performance of his career! But looking back, he also Has Aldo Raine, Tyler Durden, Achilles, Rusty Ryan, JD, and more. Off the field, he is pretty damn cool as well.
He's dated some of the most attractive people in the biz in Applegate, Aniston, Paltrow, Jolie, Demi Moore, Sienna Miller, and more. He also dated Robbin Givens, Mike Tyson's ex-wife, and Tyson apparently walked in on them fucking at one point during their divorce. Walking away from that without a hole through your face is insane! Aside form dating crap, he is also banned from China for making 7 Years in Tibet, used to roll with the Jackass crew, and has been generally agreed upon to be a pretty damn cool dude.
Pick 3(9) Burt Reynolds:
Burt Reynolds was the ESSENCE of coolness during the 70's. The stache, the hats, the women, the cars. The man had it all. So much so that it's hard to distinguish the line between the badass characters he played in movies/shows and his real life persona. Maybe that's because so much of his real life persona bled into those characters. Who knows!
Ever hear the phrase "Men want to be him, women want to be with him"? That may as well have been written for Burt.
Pick 4(10) Burt Reynolds:
A guy who was also a master of 70's coolness, Lee basically did it all. Like it says in the tweet below, he was a multi-hyphenate that was arguably cooler than my first 3 picks since he could kick any of their asses up and down the street. Well, maybe not Cliff Booth.
Pick 5(15) Joe Camel:
My Mr. Irrelevant Is where I think I won the draft. Joe Camel is arguably the coolest being in all of existence. Why? For MANY reasons.
1. He smoked cigarettes. Smoking is undeniably one of the coolest things any person could do. In fact, he smoked so much that you would be hard pressed to find a picture of him where he wasn't smoking.
2. Just look at the guy:
He is like the Johnny Sins of advertising. He's a poker player, fighter jet pilot, piano player, golfer, race car driver, and implied human-woman-fucker. There is nothing this man can't do!
#3. He was so cool that it was literally illegal. The government had to step in an enact a binding resolution to ban his existence because he was that fucking cool.