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Nothing Confuses Me More Than Food Expiration Dates

-I hate when you’re at a restaurant and someone makes it your responsibility to get a waiter’s attention for them. “If he comes by, can you grab him for me” I get that sometimes it’s easier given the angle, but still YOU want the waiter. I don’t want to look like the needy one. Don’t put that on me. Figure it out yourself you absolute piece of shit. 

-My biggest weakness as a person is not knowing when food expires. I just found out that fucking pickles are good for two whole years?!?! If you told me they expired in a week, I would’ve thrown them in the trash with zero hesitation. 

-If you ever want to feel better about yourself, I highly recommend playing against a little kid in a sport and just absolutely dominating him. I faced an 8 year old in basketball the other day and he had literally no chance against me. I was too big for him in the post. Too fast for him up top. I did maybe break my thumb blocking his shot, but it’s worth it. Sure, it's bruised and hurts immensely. But a broken thumb lasts 6-8 weeks. That memory lasts forever. 

-I hope the kids who said “present” instead of “here” during elementary school attendance are all living just truly miserable lives right now. 

-About once a week, I debate with myself if I should order ice cream or not. I do a pros and cons list in my head, and there are so many cons. It’s not healthy. It makes my stomach hurt. It’s going to take awhile. It’s expensive. And there’s only one pro. But the pro always ends up outweighing the cons. And the pro is that I just really fucking want ice cream. 

-Funny new thing I do: When I sneeze and the person next to me doesn’t say “God Bless You” I ask them “Have you gone to the doctor?” Perplexed by the question, they respond, “What?” I say, “To get your ears checked. You must have not heard me sneeze.” And that’s on being petty.

-I think it’s really cool when instead of verbally saying “Knock on wood,” people just see a nearby piece of wood and knock on it. *Please see video for a full demonstration. It's borderline must watch territory* 

Thank you for your time.  

(Another $1.5 mill in the bank for Barstool)