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Are You Feeling Pathetic? Know That You Were Once A World Record Holder

-Everybody once very briefly held the world record for “youngest person alive” immediately after being born. 

-Anytime I leave a note on a food delivery order, it always feels like I’m being rude no matter how polite I am and how small of an ask it is. Even if I say something like “no ketchup please,” I feel like they’re gonna read it, hate me, and spit in my food. 

-If I have a son one day, I think a funny bit would be naming him Lee and then training him to always make very obvious observations and statements. And then everyone would call him “Obvious Lee.” It’s really the only reason I want to have children. 

-I’d like to know how the Holiday Decision Committee chose when Easter is. Everything else is easy and you can plan for it. Christmas is December 25th. Thanksgiving is the fourth Thursday of November. Labor Day is the first Monday of September. And then Easter is the first Sunday following the full moon that occurs on or just after the spring equinox. You should be able to figure out when Easter is without whipping out a moon calendar. From now on, Easter is the second Sunday of April. 

-The biggest storyline at every wedding isn’t the couple getting married. It’s the unspoken rivalry between the best man and the maid of honor competing to give the better speech. 

-If I ran a cheesy meme account, one post I would make is “that mood when you’re just vibing with every song that comes on shuffle >>>>”. And then I’d probably stop running the account because it goes against everything I believe in. 

-I consider myself a confident person who can do a lot of things. But one thing I know I can never do is build a house of cards. It’s just not something I have in my arsenal. Admitting that is a level of self-awareness that not many people have. 

-You have to think that TV commercials are less valuable now than they once were since people usually just look at their phones during commercials. Companies should realize that and advertise on social media instead. Advertising is all about where is people’s attention? And how do I get it? That would be my opening line if I was a college professor who taught an Advertising 101 class. 

Thank you for your time.