According To The Look Of His Home, Connor McDavid Has Completed His Transformation Into An Evil Villain

Edify - I’ve never been to an Oilers game, but I’ve somehow made it inside Connor McDavid’s house. As an Edmontonian, I don’t know if that makes me ridiculously lucky, extremely smart, or a complete asshole (or all three), but it certainly makes me an anomaly. Thankfully, inside the modern sleek, black- and wood-accented exterior there’s not a hockey reference in sight, so I won’t have to fake it. As 23-year old interior designer Lauren Kyle — McDavid’s longtime girlfriend — welcomes me into the 8,000-square-foot mansion she designed, she’s rightly amused by my suggestion that hockey royalty must have hockey regalia adorning the walls. “Connor doesn’t like showing off hockey memorabilia,” she says.

Connor McDavid is a very rich man. Not exactly breaking news or anything but for context purposes, it's highly important here. Because I don't know what exactly happens to people once they hit a particular tax bracket, but all of a sudden their aesthetic goes straight to Bond Villain. As soon as a certain amount of money hits your bank account, your style immediately flips over to "how many bodies does this guy have buried somewhere". So let's take a tour through Connor McDavid's home to see just what a $100M contract will do to a guy. 

I'd imagine you'd need one of those "You Are Here" maps to figure out where the trash can is hidden in this kitchen. Wouldn't shock me if it's in a hidden underground lair. Also, do you think you're even legally allowed to bring something like a pack of s'mores Pop-Tarts into a kitchen that expensive? Or is there a monetary threshold that every item of food has to pass before it gains entrance to the cabinets? 

This living room will be used about as many times as the Edmonton Oilers have serviceable NHL-caliber defensemen. Zero.

Good news: The house most certainly isn't old enough to be haunted, so you don't have to worry about ghosts while living here. Bad news: You might end as human sacrifice or some cult shit like that. 

I don't think this is actually a closet. I think they managed to just put an entire H&M in their home. 

Okay the wine bar is pretty sweet. 

So is this room. But still. So much black. Mix a little exposed brick into your life one time for me, Connor. Something warm. Something cozy. Something that doesn't put out the vibe that you're not just a robot who was designed strictly to be the greatest hockey player on the planet. 

Well at least we know if the Brooklyn Nets ever need to relocate, they already have a spot set up for them in Edmonton. 

So yeah. I mean obviously it's a "nice" house. But I just don't get what rich people have against feeling comfortable. The way I judge a house is by how easily I'd be able to rip a quick siesta in there. And the napability of this home seems like it's pretty close to a 0. Sorry, but I'd rather be poor and cozy. And that's exactly why I made the conscious decision to suck at hockey as a child instead of getting to the point where I could earn $12.5M per year playing the game.