BREAKING: Dr. Fauci Says That Santa Claus Is Immune To COVID-19
USA TODAY- Santa Claus is coming to town. And he's not bringing COVID-19. At least, that's the word from Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation's leading infectious disease expert. "Santa is exempt from this because Santa, of all the good qualities, has a lot of good innate immunity," Fauci told USA TODAY this week.
BIIIIIIIIIIG win here for Saint Nick and the billon or so Catholics around the world. Things were already a little too hot for comfort right before the homestretch for JC's 2020th Birthday Extravaganza after our fearless leader got caught red handed in an Instagram thirst trap.
Santa Claus catching the coco considering his age, weight, and overcrowded workshop in the North Pole where working with the windows open is simply not an option could have potentially lead to the most devastating celebrity death in a year full of them, which would likely throw the Church into complete disarray as the young children whose lives have been thrown in virtual disarray the last eights months or so to have their dreams crushed once and for all if Santa died or his sled was grounded considering traveling around the entire world during a global pandemic has to be a big no no for the CDC since that's superspreader city.
However, if Tony Fauci says the big fella is good because of the magic coursing through his veins, that's good enough for me!
[Pauses for the anti-Fauci people to let out their frustrations about him in a blog about Santa Claus]
COVID-19 may be the hottest virus in the game right now. But my guy Kris Kringle has been delivering presents without interruption through the black plague, the Spanish Flu, and whatever else the medical world has thrown at his fat ass. In fact, if Santa is feeling extra generous this holiday season, he can leave a vial of his blood under my tree considering I haven't gotten a present from him in forever despite having a lifelong perfect streak on the Nice List and still leave him cookies every Christmas Eve. Not the store bought bullshit either but the good homemade peanut butter kind with a Hershey Kiss in the middle.
Something tells me the man in red is probably not a big needle guy, so he can even keep all my kids' presents in exchange for a few ounces of blood since I don't think I'll be able to get my hands on a vaccine anytime soon, something made by Santa's body is much less likely to turn me into a zombie than something produced by Big Pharma, and I'm sure my body can handle the gigantic spike in cholesterol that inevitably comes with Saint Nick's blood.