CNN- Move over, all-you-can-eat buffet: the all-you-can-stay resort package has entered the party. A new offer from the adults-only Anantara Veli in Maldives will allow travelers to use the resort as a personal vacation crash pad -- but it's going to cost you. The $30,000 package covers the use of a two-person overwater bungalow at the private-island property for unlimited use over 2021, with airport transfers and breakfast thrown in for good measure.
There are times when I think about the decisions I made in my life and a tinge if not a tidal wave of regret hits. It could be when someone tells me about how emotionally and financially rewarding their job is as I take a break from writing bad dick jokes on the internet or how great its been getting in shape during quarantine as I dip into the bottom of my kids' Halloween candy. And I think I have to throw in the feeling I got while reading about how people can go to an All-You-Can-Stay resort in Maldives as my dumb ass is in covid lockdown with two young children in cold ass New York.
I didn't even know Maldives was a real place for pretty much my entire life. I thought it was just some image that Microsoft created in a photo op and placed on desktops to stop cube monkeys like me to daydream about instead of jumping out of the skyscraper that was draining my soul on email at a time.
However, not only are The Maldives real but they are also spectacular. Tell'em Teri!
The biggest knocks against Maldives have always been the amount of money and time you have to spend to get there. Now I understand that $30K ain't nothing to sneeze at. But when you break it down for all of 2021, that's only $2500 per month. And make no mistake about it, I see an All-You-Can-Stay resort package as just a fancy way of saying Rent A Resort Room For The Year. Would you rather spend that 2500 bucks for a shoebox in New York City during a pandemic or for a hut on a tropical paradise with beaches and water as far as the eye can see? Split that $2500 in half if you can find a roommate and suddenly this doesn't seem so crazy, right?
If you are working from home like every non-essential employee, the beach beats the fuck out of a worn out apartment with old parquet floors. The length of the flight don't mean shit if you are spending an entire year there not to mention that they are paying for said flight. Timezones may make meetings a little funky, but as long as you tell everyone you are on Island Time, everything should be irie. Spending money on food shouldn't be a problem either since breakfast is included in the price, which allows us to load up on protein that can last us through dinner, which you obviously just catch on a fishing pole from your luxury hut's porch. Plus we'll all be working on and maintaining our beach bods all year round, so the less food we eat, the better.
Even the resort being Adults Only is a slam dunk since that means you won't have any shitty little kids running around or zombies like me who look like death warmed over thanks to those aforementioned kids. This isn't some beach shanty either. I did the work for you guys and this place has a 4.8/5 Google Review rating, which is as good as Gospel in the Casa de Clem. Did I mention that Maldives is technically an archipelago? Because it is. Now think how fucking fancy you will sound to all your family and friends when you tell them you spent a year on a fucking archipelago, which somehow sounds even bougier than it looks (to be fair, I've only heard people say the word "archipelago" when talking about how fancy the word "archipelago" is).
So just book your fucking flight and year-long vacation to Maldives right this second and cherish that you even have the ability to do something so awesome while the rest of us are freezing our dicks off while in a family pressure cooker at home.