The Sausage King Of Russia Was Killed With A Crossbow In His Sauna

BBC - A Russian oligarch, nicknamed The Sausage King, has been murdered with a crossbow, investigators say.

Vladimir Marugov and his partner were in an outdoor sauna cabin when they were attacked, reportedly by two masked assailants.

The woman managed to escape through the window and call the police.

Detectives found the body of Mr Marugov, who owned some of Russia's largest meat-processing plants, in the sauna with a crossbow next to it.

RIP to the Sausage King. No, no, your dad is still alive, this is the real Sausage King. The Baron of Bratwurst. The Chief of Chorizo. The President of Prosciutto. As we all know, the sausage game is no joke. From the day you are born and develop a sausage empire, you know every step might be your last. You know you have to check behind every bush and peak around every corner, because the next big thing in the sausage game is always coming for you. Us commoners might think it's all dandelions and unicorns, and then the Sausage King winds up with a crossbow in his eyeball when he's trying to get a nice steam in his backyard sauna. As they say, cured meats are the diamonds of Russia.

The headline of course sounds like a game of Clue. But the only question is, who done it? Was it that damn Oscar Mayer? I Iike to imagine the real life Oscar Mayer was basically the Suge Knight of meats. 

I don't think Oscar would travel to Russia to pull off such a crime, and also he's already dead. But perhaps it was Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago? 

Who else would want the rival Sausage King dead? Russia is a big market and if history has taught us anything, it's either kill your rival with a crossbow or be killed with a crossbow, there is no inbetween.