A Russian Oligarch Named 'The Sausage King' Was Assassinated With A Crossbow Today

A Russian oligarch, nicknamed The Sausage King, has been murdered with a crossbow, investigators say.

Vladimir Marugov and his partner were in an outdoor sauna when they were attacked, reportedly by two masked assailants. The woman managed to escape through the window and call the police. Detectives found the body of Mr Marugov, who owned some of Russia's largest meat-processing plants, in the sauna with a crossbow next to it.

The attack happened at Mr Marugov's countryside estate, about 40km (25 miles) outside the capital, Moscow, early on Monday morning, Russia's Investigative Committee (similar to the FBI in the US) reported.

First off, someone needs to get Keanu Reeves alibi for the time in question

Secondly, what a simply outstanding headline. Sorry to the Marugovs, but it is simply tremendous. 

Every consecutive word elevates it to a new level until the final product ends up looking like a plot point of a bad (or maybe good) action movie. 

Let's start with the oligarch part. I don't know what exactly you have to do to be called an oligarch in Russia, mostly because that term seems to be thrown around like it's nothing in that country. What's the qualifier? Do you just need a half a mil USD (20 billion rubles, to be precise) to get the title? Or do you just need to grease the right palms of Putin's cretins? Regardless, I think he earned the title by having a monopoly on processed meats in the frozen country.

Marugov was nicknamed “the sausage king” for his career in the meat-producing industry and ownership of some of the country’s largest meat processing plants. 

Next, getting killed by a crossbow in 2020? Brutal. We're talking about a weapon deemed so brutal that the pope made it illegal in the middle ages. You know, the period where they would draw and quarter people, shove the pear of anguish up your ass, and otherwise kill and maim people for the flimsiest of reasons. 

Not to mention the poor guy was naked in the sauna with his sweetie when these guys burst in to kill him. I want to say right now off the bat that I don't believe this official story. You're telling me two guys randomly got access to the Sausage King's estate, killed this guy without taking anything, and left a witness? No chance. This "partner" is 100% in on this and I'm sure we will see evidence of that in Marugov's will sometime soon. Or maybe she is a secret agent of a rival meat factory. Perhaps the daughter of the Pork Chop Duke of St. Petersburg.

The moral of the story is that, if you're in Russia, I'd say you're better off just avoiding steam-heavy locations in general. (NSFW you see Viggo's dick in the scene below). 

Also, for fans of the Boys, this man's title will sound familiar.