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This Absolutely Wild Affair Between the Mayor of Anchorage and a Hot Local News Anchor is the Political Scandal America Needs

In an election season that has been such a demoralizing nutpunch it will make you wonder if representative democracy isn't such a great idea after all and maybe we ought to just skip right to the part where we're governed Hunger Games style, we recently got the sex scandal involving North Carolina U.S. Senate candidate Cal Cunningham and his ex-girlfriend. That would be the ex who is not Mrs. Cunningham, and who released all the texts the two sent each other arranging their hookups and has threatened to post the dick pics he's sent her.  

As fun and welcome a distraction as that one has been, it reads like an episode of "Spin City" compared to the one going on in Anchorage, Alaska. That is, if you happen to be a fan of 58year old big city mayors, hot  41 year old TV anchors, deranged voicemails, unhinged anti-Semitism and charges of online perviness. 

USA Today - The mayor of Alaska's largest city submitted his resignation Tuesday night, four days after an anchorwoman at a local television station threatened to report he had posted nude photos of himself on a website.

Ethan Berkowitz adamantly denied her allegations, but on Monday admitted he had an inappropriate relationship with Maria Athens, the anchor at a Fox/ABC combined station in Anchorage.

"It is with profound sadness and humility that I resign as mayor of the Municipality of Anchorage," he said in a statement read at the Anchorage Assembly meeting. ...

The saga that has been the buzz of Anchorage started when Athens posted a video on her Facebook page Friday, the same day the station barred her from the studio. In the video, she claimed she would break a story that night claiming Berkowitz posted nude photos to an underage website.

She later also posted what she said was a photo of the mayor's nude back side. 

Berkowitz's office immediately denied the unsubstantiated allegation. A day later, Anchorage police said they and the FBI investigated and found no evidence of criminal conduct. 

Audio of a profanity- and racist-laden voicemail also surfaced late Monday, in which a woman who identified herself as Athens and who rattled off her network affiliations threatened to kill Berkowitz, who is Jewish, and his wife. The audio of the Friday morning phone call to Berkowitz was obtained by the online blog The Alaska Landmine.

Athens was arrested later Friday after trespassing in the television studio. She allegedly accosted the station manager, who charging documents identify as her boyfriend, and was arrested by police. Her story never aired.

Holy moly. Who could've ever guessed  the city bringing the most sexual heat in the country would Anchorage, of all places. I guess there are only so many bills you can pass to regulate fishing and so many breaking stories about bears in people's yards before you need something to break the monotony. 

To be clear, I do not condone falsely accusing the much older man you've been having an affair with of being a pedophile, telling him to kill himself, threatening to kill him and his wife or calling him "you Jewish piece of living fucking shit." I don't care if it will win you an Emmy like Maria claims it will. 

But I'd be lying if I said I'm not aroused by these videos. There's just something about an attractive woman who's conversational tone sounds like she's trying to be heard over a jet turbine saying, "You have met your match, motherfucker. You have met your motherfucking match" that is irresistible. Maybe it's the power she'd projecting. The confidence. The absolute bug-eyed, purple-faced, spit-flying craziness. Whatever. But it's strangely alluring. 

So congratulations to ex-Mayor Berkowitz. Your political career might be over. As well as your marriage. And that's regrettable, obviously. But put in the same situation, what man could resist Maria Athens' charms? I'm sure in the big picture, it was all worth it. Besides, who knows? Maybe you two star-crossed kids can patch things up and get back together, once she gets out of jail. She didn't say anything she can't take back. 

As for Maria, I'm sure she'll be fine, once she apologizes for the "Jewish piece of living fucking shit" remark. What station wouldn't hire her? She'll not only be a ratings juggernaut, she dates her bosses too. And will sleep with political leaders, so think of the stories she can break. That's win/win/win. I can't wait to see your future show on Fox News, Maria Athens.