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A Quarter Season In And The Entire NFC East Is Trash Vomit

It seems unbelievable, but a quarter of the NFL season is gone and there are only eleven weeks until Christmas. What the hell?

If you’re a fan of an NFC East team, things could NOT be going worse. The East is a shit show on every level, and no team has any right to feel good about itself. Everyone has glaring weaknesses and flaws. The schedule gods are probably going to determine who gets a playoff spot. Hard to gain confidence and work out the kinks when you play contender after contender. 

So let’s take a look at the worst division, maybe in the history of football, and try and make sense out of how what started with so much damn promise turned into such a bad clusterfuck that most people now think a 7-9 record will take first place. #FML

Philadelphia Eagles (1-2-1)

WINS (1): Phil 25 SF 20 (Week 4)

TIES (1): Cin 23 Phil 23 (Week 3)

LOSSES (2): Phil 17 Wash 27 (Week 1), Ram 37 Phil 19 (Week 2)

Philadelphia has one win against a San Francisco team that’s missing $50+ million of its roster, including its franchise QB and RB. The Birds nearly got beat by fucking C.J. Beathard. Read that sentence again. And that’s the lone bright spot of the season to date. They tied the BENGALS. As in, the historically inept team led by a ROOKIE in his second game. And they still could. Not. Win. They have a loss to the team with no name, Washington (LOL), plus they got their doors blown off by the Rams. So although Philadelphia is in “first” place? What do Eagles fans have to feel good about? 

The answer is nothing. The next four games bring the Steelers (Loss), Ravens (Loss), Giants (Tie), and Cowboys (Loss?). There’s a very real chance they go into the halfway mark 1-5-2. The only plus about this stretch is that they can’t be awarded two losses against the Ravens, who are almost certain to hang 50+ on the dirty birds. 

And this team is in first place. Hahahahaha!

Washington Football Team (1-3)

WINS (1):  Phil 17 Wash 27 (Week 1)

LOSSES (3): Wash 15 Ariz 30 (Week 2), Wash 20 Cleve 34 (Week 3), Ravens 31 Wash 17 (Week 4)

Washington has it’s only win against the Eagles and that’s a team that was missing their star RB and currently has no weapons for Carson Wentz to throw to. Alshon? Out. Desean Jackson? Out. Dallas Goedert? IR Rookie Jalen Raegor? IR. Greg Ward, (who?) is the leading wide receiver on this team. Quality win. 

The only bright spot on the schedule is that in their next four games they play the even more inept New York Giants twice. They also have the Rams (who will blow them out) and the Cowboys (50 burger), so it’s possible they limp to the half season mark with a 3-5 record. And that’s the best case scenario; this team could easily (and probably will) split with the Giants. They’re not good on offense. They’re not good on defense. And they’re banged up. All of that adds up to a 4 win season. 

Look on the bright side “football team” fans, in a year from now Trevor Lawrence could be all yours. 

Dallas Cowboys (1-3)

WINS (1): Dallas 40 Atl 39 (Week 2)

LOSSES (3): Dallas 17 LARams 20 (Week 1), Dallas 31 Seattle 38 (Week 3), Dallas 38 Cleve 49 (Week 4)

What can I say about the Cowboys that I haven’t already said a dozen times this year?

They are a dumpster fire. The Mike McCarthy era could not have started worse, and if it weren’t for Dan Quinn, this team would be 0-4. However. Even at 1-3, the Cowboys somehow, someway, have a better chance of winning their division than the 4-0 Seattle Seahawks.   

Huh. Imagine that? 

But that’s really nothing to be excited about. If you’re turned on at the prospect of a ceremonial wild card game in Jerry’s World that will only end in heartbreak and frustration, you may just be a sucker for pain. But somehow getting to the playoffs will be spin zoned as “something to build on” versus a revelation that a wholesale overhaul is very much in need, top to bottom, in order for this franchise to get back to its winning ways. 

The schedule, alas, is favorable. The Giants, Cardinals, Washington and Eagles fill out the next four games, so Dallas should win 3 of the next 4 (keyword here is SHOULD), and get to the halfway point at 4-4 and firmly in control of the division. 

Yay. Go team. 

New York Giants (0-4)

LOSSES (4): Pit 26 NYG 16 (Week 1), Chi 17 NYG 13 (Week 2), SF 36 NYG 9 (Week 3), LARams 19 NYG 7 (Week 4)  

What can you say about the Giants except they are the bizarro version of their equally bad crosstown inbred cousin New York Jets? Losses to the Steelers, Bears, 49ers, and Rams give this bottom sucking catfish of a team an 0-4 start to the season, which I think means they are mathematically eliminated from not just this year’s playoffs but next year as well. They may be the worst team in a league that includes the aforementioned Jets, the Texans (who already fired their coach), and the goddamn Falcons. THINK ABOUT THAT. Joe Judge may actually be a worse coach than DAN QUINN. 

And while you can point to the loss of key personnel (Saquon get better, you deserve so much better than the Giants), even a healthy team could easily be staring at an O-fer. The next four bring the Cowboys (L), Washington (?), Eagles (L), and Bucs (L) so an 0-8 start is not out of the question. Does anyone see any hope on the horizon for Daniel Jones? 

Run Danny, run. It’s not too late to take a page from your mentor Eli Manning and force your way out of a franchise you have no interest in playing or losing for. 

Trash. Vomit. No other words can describe this dumpster fire of a division. 2020 is the year of unprecedented moves. Perhaps the NFL should take matters into their own hands and strip the NFC East of their automatic playoff spot. Give it to a team that has a chance of actually making some noise- other than the flatulence you’re going to get out of one of these 4 garbage ass teams.   

Excuse me while I go throw up.