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New York Is Dead: The MTA Has Officially Banned Shitting In Subways And Buses

NY Post- The Metropolitan Transportation Authority’s board is slated to formally ban defecating on its subways, buses and transit facilities during its meeting on Wednesday. The dirty deed is already barred under current rules, which subject any rider to a $100 fine for “create[ing] a nuisance, hazard, or unsanitary condition (including, but not limited to, spitting or urinating).” But the rule change will specifically add “defecating” to the list of bodily expulsions.

The poop ban was first included in a host of new, temporary emergency rules issued back in April in response to the coronavirus pandemic. The board will vote on making the rules permanent on Wednesday. Those rules also include policies targeting homeless people who live in the system. The rules require riders to exit subway cars at the end of the line; ban people from lingering in subway stations for more than an hour and bar riders from bringing large shopping carts on trains.

De Blasiooooooooo! Coronaaaaaaaaa! I don't know which of you motherfuckers to blame for this or if you have joined forces as some unholy tag team like Kane and The Undertaker to rob New York City of its last bastion of true grit but fuck you both! Nothing makes New Yorkers feel more alive than wondering if the shit on the ground they just stepped on during their soul-crushing commute is from an animal or a human. 

However, now that shitting in the subway has been spelt out as a fineable offense by the letter of the law instead of an act that was frowned upon by only the most uptight individuals, we can officially declare the New York we all knew and loved tolerated as dead. Muerte. RIP NYC. Retire the phrase #NewYorkTough because the city has officially gotten soft as baby shit now that babies are the only ones allowed to shit on mass transit. Now those homeless people shitting on the subway will be given a $100 ticket that they can't possibly pay but can definitely use as toilet paper. So this strangely is a big win for MTA shitters around this giant metropolitan toilet bowl of ours and a loss for those of us that didn't realize we could've dropped heat on our rides home without fear of punishment (unless some piss dribbled out) instead of turtling it as bubbleguts rocked our bodies while being packed dick-to-ass with thousands of other New Yorkers.