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Soccer Star Luis Suárez Finishes Italian Citizenship Test In Record Time Despite Not Speaking "A Word" Of Italian. Spoiler: He (Allegedly) Cheated.

Luis Suárez might be the biggest snake it till you make it guy this world has ever seen. The man literally cheats at any opportunity he gets. Tremendous footballer - don't get me wrong - but a massive cheat as well. From punching balls off the goal line in a World Cup quarterfinal to biting THREE different opponents during matches and now, allegedly, to cheating on his citizenship test. Is there anything he doesn't cheat at? 

This isn't to say that cheating is wrong. Heavens no. Cheating is almost encouraged in the OMTE camp. It's just a matter of getting caught that's the issue. That being said, I've been out of the cheating game for what feels like ages now. Ever since Yang Lao Shi caught me cheating on that Mandarin class in 9th grade, I've been too chicken to cheat.

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Barcelona forward Luis Suárez has been accused of cheating on the language section of his Italian citizenship test.

Juventus were keen to sign the Uruguay international on a free transfer this summer but have already used up all of their non-EU spots in the squad, so Suárez was planning to gain Italian citizenship to help the move go through.

This feels a little different than trying to cheat on a measly high school language quiz. If you're caught cheating on a country's citizenship test, you should honestly be ejected from that country forever. No excuses. 

It's not like this was the end all be all for Luis Suárez either. There's a whole host of teams - except Barcelona - that would gladly snatch up his services. I'm not even sure why Suárez tried to put himself through all that hassle. Sure it would've been "cool" to play with Cristiano Ronaldo and the likes but having to take a test as an adult? No thanks. I'd rather just sit on my millions of dollars and wither away rather than take a massive exam just to play in some Italian farmer league. 

As part of the test, Suárez had to prove that he had a solid grasp of the Italian language, but according to La Repubblica, Guardia di Finanza and the Perugia Prosecutor’s Office have found 'irregularities' in the test and have accused him of cheating.

Further investigation has brought allegations that Suárez was told the questions in advance by a number of staff members at the University for Foreigners of Perugia so he could memorise the correct responses.

Those in charge of his exam are also believed to have been involved, and prosecutors have found audio clips of the examiners discussing his situation which suggest that Suárez's Italian was not good enough to pass.

sidenote - Too many soccer players know too many languages. It's almost like being a professional athlete wasn't enough and they all just have to flex right in my face. I can barely even speak English meanwhile these assholes are out here speaking 5 different languages over the course of one game. 

Not to say that athletes are above society or anything but it feels like he should've gotten preferential treatment here. A little wink wink nod nod between the actual club and the Italian government. An unwritten agreement, perhaps. I mean, this is a little different than any other Joe Schmo coming to be a citizen. 

"But Ethan, he should have to do it like everyone else. It's only right."

As soon as one of these other people vying for Italian citizenship shows me that they can bag goals at the highest level, they can kick rocks as far as I'm concerned. This man is a priority, damnit!

“He does not speak a word of Italian," the examiner is quoted as saying. "He does not conjugate verbs, he only speaks using the infinitive. If journalists would ask him some questions, he’d be lost. He earns €10m per year, he needs to pass this exam.”

Suárez spent just minutes in the exam room to take the test, which usually takes candidates over two hours.

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He certainly doesn't make it easy on himself here, now does he? "He doesn't speak a word of Italian" is laugh out loud considering the circumstances. For fucks sake Luis, you couldn't at least try to make it look like you knew the language? On top of that, he forgot the ONE rule of cheating; never finish first. You have to wait until someone else is done with their test before you turn it in. HAVE to. Otherwise, you finish with all the perfect answers in minutes and the jig is up.

Because Luis Suárez can't even imagine speaking a lick of Italian, the move has broken down. Juve has already got their replacement…

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One minute you're lined up to get one of the best forwards in Europe, the next you're acquiring Alvaro Morata in a loan deal. life comes at you fast, eh? 

Now Suarez is embroiled in some bullshit with Barcelona who are trying to block his move to Athletico Madrid. I bet he wishes he brushed up on his Italian right about now. I'm sure Juventus are gonna be wishing the same.

PS - let's enjoy some highlights from Juventus's new forward, shall we?