I Rebuke Anybody Complaining About Tonight's NFL Game Being Bengals Vs. Browns

TBH, this entire blog is pretty much summed up in that one tweet but I wanted to flesh it out in a blog since it was doing well on Twitter. If you want to read everything, great! I think I made some decent jokes. If not, I completely understand and thank you for your click #TYFYC

I woke up this morning and felt great. Not because I slept well, had sex, or ate a bunch of veggies the night before. In fact I went 0-for-3 in those categories to lower my career average to roughly .0000001. I felt great because there is NFL football on tonight. It may not be a marquee matchup with two Super Bowl contenders or high flying offenses guaranteed to give us a shootout like that AWESOME Chiefs/Rams Monday Night Football game from a few years ago.

[Turns on Dad Voice]

However, I was very upset after seeing everyone complain on Twitter about how shitty a game this is. I would include all the tweets here but they were hours ago and I just told you guys I didn't sleep well last night and realize that Twitter is home to nothing but exclusively bad opinions. But I don't care. I will not allow any football game slander. Not this year. Not after all the bellyaching about sports disappearing in March. Not after a bunch of writers in the media cried about the NFL having the draft as well as free agency start on time. And not after everybody got mad at the NFL for not having a bubble after the Marlins, a team that plays a completely different sport in a completely different league, got hit by the covid. I'm not having it (That last sentence was said in my Stephen A. Smith voice).

This guy Thomas just gets it.

Sidenote: Go Dinos! Still in first I see* as the playoffs approach (after I searched on Google just now). RIP a legendarily niche Barstool shirt

Tonight's game isn't even that bad anyway. In fact, there is PLENTY to love!

- The quarterback matchup is a showdown of 2 of the last 3 number 1 picks, with Baker Mayfield, who I was told all last summer is a future superstar as he sewered my guy Daniel Jones vs. Joe Burrow, who just put up the greatest college football season by a QB ever and is pretty much universally beloved. 

Obligatory reminder that Joe Burrow is cool as fuck

Better remind people that Baker is cool too so he doesn't feel #DIS6ESPECTED and try to get #REVEN6E on the entire NFL.

I have no idea what that tweet says but it has a crying emoji so I bet it's good!

- There are two potentially fun offenses here. I don't know if I would be friends with Joe Mixon or Kareem Hunt. But those sons of bitches can run with the rock while Nick Chubb sounds like a fine young man that can also do shit like this.

- Speaking of shit, the receivers tonight are newsworthy too. See what I did there? Yeah, the Odell Beckham jokes are going to be just as bad as that one. But Odell, Jarvis Landry, AJ Green, and Tyler Boyd are a hell of a foursome as well as fantasy relevant, which means you will probably have to watch this game because ONE of your leagues involved one of these two young offenses that should be at least decent to watch this season.

- At the very least, this should be a competitive game, which is all you can ask for since every team has to play on Thursday night at some point. As long as the good teams play the good teams and the bad teams play the bad teams, everything should work out just fine.

Okay, that Jags/Phins game is quite a drop from Chiefs/Texans a few weeks ago. But we aren't going to complain. You know why? Because we can bet on the game!

Our best friends at Penn National Gaming have the line at Bengals + 6. So you can gamble on the game responsibly, which sounds great. We personally like the striped cats here at Clem Island, but this is admittedly a spite pick because of what Baker said about Danny Jones along with me having a soft spot in my heart because Jeff Blake won me my first two ever fantasy football leagues (yes I am OLD), I empathize with Bengals fans having their team owned by the NFL version of the Wilpons, and I love the fuck out of this video.

- We have orange pants!

- In case the orange pants wasn't enough to convince you, we also have kicker drama! That's right. The Browns cut their kicker on Sunday and the Bengals immediately scooped him up

-  Based on recent and even not so recent history, there is a good chance that one of these teams is going to lose because of something unimaginably awful that none of us can fathom right now until it happens. I know this feeling all too well as a Mets fan and my Spidey Senses are telling me it'll somehow involve the kicker, even if Randy Bullock is kicking after that "injury" on Sunday.

Could the Browns ex-kicker fuck them twice in two games on two different teams? Or maybe Randy Bullock fucks the Bengals fans twice in five days! All fucking options are on the table when it comes to these two franchises.

Speaking of which, the only people on the planet who have a fair excuse to gripe about tonight's game are Browns and Bengals fans because they are scared their teams are going to once again get their dicks kicked in while the rest of the world points and laughs for the 8 zillionth time. There is nothing worse than being shamed on Twitter by 31 other fanbases then going to bed way too late because of the pit in your stomach after an NFL loss then spending the entire day at work EXHAUSTED because of those two things.

I know bad football when I see it. Trust me, I'm a Giants fan who grew up in the Dave Brown era and have lived in New York my whole life with the Jets taking up the other channel. There is no such thing as bad football. Not in the year 2020.

TL;DR - Don't be like this dickhead. Not this year.