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If I Were A Monkey, I Would NOT Fuck With These Grandmas Calling Themselves The 'Monkey Busters"

Before we get into any specific details about these grandmas and their war on monkeys, we have to take a moment to appreciate this photograph. Based purely on this photo alone, you have to assume that these grannies absolutely bust monkey ass on the daily. It wouldn't surprise me if those primal bastards went running at the mere mention of these ladies. Again, this is all solely based on this photograph where the women are posing rather menacingly but I certainly want a piece of these ladies. That's how you catch a bullet straight to the noggin. 

Giphy Images.

It honestly wouldn't surprise me if these women just run the town. The monkey busters (pretty lame nickname imo) defend the town, so by the transitive property they rule the town. Rules are rules.


Three grannies armed with air pistols have branded themselves "monkey busters" in a bid to scare off pesky crop-raiding macaques.

The women from Keiishi Town, in Fukui City, Japan, formed the crack team earlier this year and have readied themselves to strike whenever they see the mischievous primates up to no good.

Ok. Slightly less intimidating now that the proverbial beans have been spilled regarding the weaponry. It was a lot cooler when I thought they were out here hunting monkeys with real rifles and pistols. Don't get me wrong, it's still cool that a band of elderly women just decided enough was enough; that they had to take the monkey issue into their own hands. 

Without these brave protectors, where would this town be? Probably under monkey rule, similar to whats going on in some Thai city at this very moment. A real-life Planet of the Apes. Those crops that feed everyone? GONE without these ladies. Those monkeys would be balls deep into all of the food. Then they won't stop coming back once they know they have a food source. Everyone in the town? Faces peeled like a clementine. People forget that monkeys are fucking marauders so credit to these ladies for stepping up.  

What are the hours for such a job? Like, are these ladies on standby to kick some monkey ass, or do they have permanent watchtowers where they pick off the monkeys one by one?

Local media reports the grannies will drop their housework and gardening rush to the scene in their aprons to ward off the critters with air guns.

The three amigos are Masako Ishimura, 74, Tatsuko Kinoshita, 68, and Miyuki Ii, 67, whose mission is to protect the "precious vegetables grown by the villagers".

Maybe these ladies are like the ghostbusters. They all have firepoles in their house so that they can be ready at the mention of a monkey attack. Imagine they just had a massive alarm that went off every time that a monkey came near so that these women knew when to pounce.

Something about a bunch of old ladies scrambling to grab their airguns because the siren went off is oddly amusing to me. Just to go out there and put their team on their back like motherfucking Greg Jennings

Holy fuck though are these women old. Not to offend any elders* I hope to have a body that halfway functions by the time I'm 74, let alone fending off monkeys day and night. Age is apparently just a number after all. Hopefully, they have some successors to take over but from my understanding, Chinese women live to be about infinity so who knows if they'll even need a backup plan. They'll fight off monkeys until they're in the grave. 

*sidenote - the whole "respect your elders" thing has always sucked. Sure, it's important when your 10 but it gets old so quickly. Like I'm supposed to trust someone just because they born a couple of years before me? No thanks. 

You just have to hope they win the battle, that they fend off these dickhead monkeys. Not that I necessarily care about their town, but I'll root for these women to eradicate their monkey problem.