The Definitive List Of Things Tits CAN'T Do

My esteemed colleague Trysta wrote this blog a little while ago and it got me thinking: Is there truly anything tits can't do? Out of all the body parts on the planet, they are probably the biggest power player we have. They have set off wars, started families, ended families, and made countless people countless dollars. If the Chicago fellas ever did a body parts draft on Dogwalk, I think tits would be the biggest lock to go Number 1 since LeBron.

However despite all that, tits aren't really known for actually being able to actually do a whole lot. They can bounce, they can ummmm bounce, and they can bounce. So being the investigative journalist blogger that I am, I feel like I must try to find something tits are not able to do. Because if the internet has taught me anything, it's that everything is overrated and you can poke holes in anybody's argument about how awesome anything is.

1. Give Life

I'm coming for tits' necks early. You think you are all that great. Well then do the most impressive thing on Earth, which is give life to another human.

Oops, walked right into that one. Considering how hopeless babies have always been and how dumb humans are now let alone back when we were essentially unevolved apes, breastmilk is probably the only thing that stopped our species from getting cuncelled.

Speaking of babies from a long time ago, do you think the baby from 1917 survived drinking what was likely rotten milk? Do you think the baby survived the war? Do you think Schofield ever went back trying to find that woman that he clearly hit it off with despite his responsibilities at home? These are the things I think about during quarantine.

Anyway, tits do indeed give life in a special way. Point, Trysta

2. Open Bottles

It's Darty SZN (if we still say Darty or SZN) and one of the staples of that is opening bottles. Well tits cannot open bottles. They may act as bottles to babies when they are nursing. But they are unable to provide access to liquid nourishment once they dry up.

Wait, what's that?

girl beer GIF Giphy Images.

Shit. Point Trysta

3. Swim

If we are Dartying, which again I'm not sure we are doing, that means we are inevitably swimming. Which means tits are S.O.L. since they can't swim.

olivia munn breast GIF Giphy Images.

Okay this one was clearly a mistake from the jump since everybody knows boobs are buoyant as fuck.

Whatever. Point, Trysta

4. Fire Guns

Okay, tits may be able to nourish a life, crack a cold one, and keep you alive with a dead man float. But they can't take a life. Namely they can't get their 'Murica on by flexing one of their freedoms ensured by the Constitution and getting a fire arm thanks to the Second Amendment.

austin powers breast GIF Giphy Images.

SHIT! Point, Trysta

5. Math

Okay tits, you have met your match! For all the good you bring to the world, you have no chance when it comes to math. As a fully functioning human with a brain and 10 fingers, I can barely do math. Two lumps of skin, tissue, and fat are not able to handle arithmetic.

Season 15 Episode 6 GIF by The Simpsons Giphy Images.

God DAMMIT! 

You win this round Krick. Or maybe we both won since this was just an easy breezy Friday smut blog designed to get clicks and hopefully join your blog in the Top 5. We'll see if boobs can do that because nothing else about I wrote in my blog with Giphy's catalogue of goodie but oldie boobs gifs is worthy of that type of traffic. Time shall tell...

pron GIF Giphy Images.

awkward bouncing boobs GIF Giphy Images.

slow motion breast GIF Giphy Images.

sexy salma hayek GIF Giphy Images.

kate upton burger GIF Giphy Images.

big tits GIF Giphy Images.

sexy big boobs GIF Giphy Images.

Animated GIF Giphy Images.

Giphy Images.

Literally 2 Minutes Later:

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Mission Accomplished GIF by memecandy Giphy Images.

I fucking love you guys. I'm talking to the readers to be clear, not tits. But I also love tits too. You know why? Because there is truly nothing they can't do. 

Apologies for the horny blog, but my urologist JUST gave me the green light to start clearing my pipes after my vasectomy since there are 14-21 shots to be fired until all my straggler swimmers are gone