Bruce Arians Showed Up At Bucs HQ To Conquer Coronavirus, The Sun, And The Entire NFC South

There has never been someone more deserving of a badass name like Bruce than Bruce Arians, who always looked like a vigilante substitute teacher that was ready to shape up a school on the wrong side of the tracks with his Kangol hat and DGAF demeanor. But now big Bruce appears to be looking to slay three absolute monsters like fucking Beowulf.

I honestly don't know which of these three heavyweights is most on the Hot Seat now that they are on Arians' radar. People are still embracing debate about the effectiveness of wearing a mask in public during the pandemic. But wearing a mask with your own personalized logo is a power move so strong, it will have COVID-1 through 100 tapping out the minute you show up on the block. Bruce Arians has walked over tougher viruses than the coronavirus on his way to a fight.

I would never be stupid enough to think I'm tougher than the sun. The fucking sun. Space may be cold but my fat ass has cooked like bacon too many times while forgetting to wear sunscreen to discount the giant ball of gas that rises every single day. However, Bruce Arians may be one of the few beings in the universe tougher than the sun along with Superman, who is literally powered by the sun. However Bruce turning the celestial mammoth our entire solar system allegedly revolves around into essentially nothing more than the twinkling little star babies sing about by unleashing the double shades Alpha move is the epitome of gangsta shit.

Finally we have the NFC South, which seems like a cakewalk compared to the other two forces of nature. The Saints may have added Malcolm Jenkins, Manny Sanders, and a 30/30 backup QB with 20/20 vision to a team that went 13-3 last year. But the Saints will either shoot themselves in the foot at the worst possible moment or the refs will do it for them while the Falcons have become the epitome of Atlanta sports teams ever since they took a 28-3 lead on the Pats and the Panthers just hired a coach that literally has to wear a smock to stop from spitting on himself.

All Bruce Arians did was hire the greatest winning quarterback the world has ever seen to run his offense that made late career Carson Palmer look great again. I have Bruce Arians -5000 against all three of these overmatched entities and couldn't be more in on him than anybody this side of Steven Cheah.