Source - A monkey is on the loose in Massachusetts, authorities have warned – sparking a major hunt with ATVs and drones.
“DO NOT touch the monkey!!” warned Shawsheen Animal Hospital Wednesday after a neighbor in Tewksbury first spotted the apparently rogue primate.
“Monkeys can be dangerous and can carry Herpes B Virus which can be fatal to humans!!!” the animal hospital said in an urgent alert.
Cops in Tewksbury — a town of almost 30,000 people about 20 miles from Boston — said they were alerted Monday after a local spotted the monkey in a garden next to the animal hospital grounds.
Despite using drones and ATVs to check the grounds, they “did not see any sign of the animal,” they said in an online alert of their own.
The animal hospital’s staff insisted they had not lost a monkey — and initially assumed cops were pulling their leg when they alerted them.
“We laughed. We thought they were joking,” Shawsheen’s Dr. Michele Caruso told CBS Boston of being asked if they had “lost a monkey.”
Police now plan to set up “cameras and traps” to find the wayward primate and “relocate it to a safe location.”
If NASA can figure out a way to open a wormhole into that parallel universe where everything is the reverse of this one? So long, suckers. I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just when you think things can't get any worse in Massachusetts - when we're still in lockdown and the mayor of Boston says we can't open up because people will get sick and then says we can't open up because not enough people are sick and Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski are Buccaneers - 2020 says "Hold my Purell" and unleashes wild monkeys to squirt herpes on everybody.
And if Sci-Fi movies and this rip in the fabric of spacetime we call 2020 has taught me anything, it's that there's no way this ends well. You can't have unidentified primates running around among the populace, even in the best of situations, without incurable Sexually Transmitted Diseases. They'll spread fleas. Fling poop. Learn to ride motorcycles and steal your babies.
Herpetic chimps hiding in the woods with their cold sores all over their lips and genitals is a recipe for disaster. So as far as I'm concerned, the Shawsheen Animal Hospital can quit their laughing. Stop their denials. Get off their asses and help catch this damned dirty ape before it's too late. We've had just about enough of animal-related viruses spreading around destroying everything. And I'll leave this universe before I die of The Monkey Herp.