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Roller Coaster Tycoon Was The Best Computer Game Ever

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I did a quick blog yesterday about the world’s tallest waterslide and haven’t stopped thinking about how great of a game Roller Coaster Tycoon was since. And then late last night, as if by magic, I was tweeted this:



If that doesn’t give you a raging boner I don’t want to know you. Roller Coast Tycoon was an incredible game. So simple, but so fucking addicting. Why go outside when you can build coasters and log flumes and monorails and bobsled rides? My favorite thing to do was build go kart tracks. I’d have those motherfuckers whipping around the entire park, going through the roller coaster loops, going underground, everything. I was a visionary in the go kart building game. Beep beep, bitches!

Best things about the game:


The immigrants who had to sweep up puke. Didn’t matter how many trashcans you put up outside the Tilt-A-Whirl, peeps were going to be puking. And the lazy asses you paid to clean that shit up were chainsmoking in the bathrooms, so you would have to pick them up with the claw and drop them on it. Another great move was when it started to rain, raising the price of umbrellas to like 20 bucks each. Buy up, you wet cocksuckers! I own you!


I don’t know why, but log flumes are fucking sweet. The trick was to just build rides as big as possible and have them go all over the park. Make people wait in line for dayssss to ride the log flume.


Naming the rides your dick. Classic.


Not going outside. That was the best thing. Sitting there for hours on end, day after day, building the sickest rides and the biggest parks. Building rides with like 8 loops and corkscrews but making them so the nausea rating wasn’t too high and people would still ride it. The worst was when you would build the best coaster ever but nobody would ride it because they were all pussies and couldn’t handle the Gforce levels. Oh so what, it’s like riding in a space shuttle and there’s a 50/50 chance your head will explode? Did you see the 10 back to back loop d loops?

I may or may not (I did) have bought a roller coaster VHS that came with 3D glasses and demand my parents take us to Cedar Point in Ohio. The exact same way I was positive I was going to be an architect after building a sweet house in The Sims. Which is probably the 2nd best game ever.