Happy anniversary to Dave Portnoy, who found his greatest hire one year ago

Some people are just lucky as shit. Dave Portnoy is one of those people.

One year ago today, Dave fell ass backwards into his best hire at Barstool when stoolies stumbled upon my highly rated show for another company. I was doing what I always do, which is provide electric entertainment for an audience of dozens. 

As you know, my life changed dramatically during that 15-minute stream. I went in a boy and came out a confused boy. 

To be honest, I still have no idea what happened. All I knew was that I was being bombarded with insults from all directions and trust me, growing up with gigantic ears and a punchable face prepared me for bullying of all kinds. So naturally, I was able to shine despite having no fucking clue why there were 1,200 people calling me a squid. The second the stream ended, I leaned back in my chair and just stared into nothingness for about 10 minutes. It was like I'd had my ass kicked in a fight.

Luckily Dave saw it and made the shrewd decision to hire me. Today, one year later, is the day he planned to watch my contract expire and let me fade back into Mississippi. But what he didn't know was this: I'm an extraordinary piece of crap. Impossible to flush.

Real talk: I got lucky as hell that day. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time and luckily I didn't shit myself with the opportunity happened. I still don't know how the fuck this happened to me but this company is fucking awesome.

Thanks.