Last week I got a text from Dallas Braden asking if he can shoot me a call. I said yes, but my immediate thought was, "goddamnit what did I fuck up?" You see, I've only spoken with Dallas a time or two in my life and one of those times was his dismantling of me because I said the Twins "almost" set the single season team HR record when they did, in fact, set the record.
But it was nothing like that. He asked if I had a PS4 and wanted to join Barstool's "Spike's Up" Baseball League on MLB The Show. The answer was no, I didn't have video games. In fact, until last week I cannot remember one instance I played a video game for 1 SECOND since college. That's not an embellishment, I really don't think I've played a single gaming console in the last decade.
That said, I was in. In in in in in. It would be #content for one and it would quell my boredom for two. I went out and dropped $600 on a PS4, CoD, The Show, a headset and surge protector. Eagerly waiting to see if that expense report was accepted or not. It is work after all, amirite?
Cool story bro. But video games done went and grew the fuck up on me. Downloading games instead of inserting discs/cartrages, crazy accurate player likenesses... it was a whole new world. Too much for my limited brain.
Lost the first exhibition I played to Dallas 21-0 in 5 innings.
Fast forward to yesterday. The league is set with me, Smitty, Dallas, RDT, Reags, Carl, Big T, Hubbs, JayHay, Chuck Naso and Frankie Borelli. I now have 4-5 games under my belt and Smitty challenges me to a game. Smitty as in "I sit around my apartment and talk about how awesome I am at suspending reality via video games because I was a shitty athlete for D3 standards and don't play real sports" Smitty.
Kid wrote this blog as a promo for our game...
...and hit on all of the typical, cherrypicked low hanging fruit. #MouseGate, #StatueGate, #GumGate and more. Tsk tsk. He talked MAD shit as the main consigliere of Barstool's gaming network. Got off to a 2-0 lead, a 6-2 lead and then an 8-5 lead BUT as the saying goes, RICKY'S BOYS DON'T QUIT!!!
FUCK YOU SMITTY YOU BUM!!! You hang em, Edwin Encarnacion, Jose Abreu and TA7 bangs em, BITCH. 9-8 win, in extras, against the dude who thinks he's Ninja. So, the punishment is, what should Smitty have to do to repent for his sins? I mean I STINK at this game and all video games in general. Smitty should be embarrassed. I propose the following:
1. Smitty chains himself to a statue and until he is on the brink of starving to death
2. Smitty jumps off a bridge into the Chicago River
3. Smitty spends 5 hours in a car with Dente doing Pizza Reviews
4. Smitty crawls through 300 set mousetraps
5. Smitty does a live TV appearance with a wad of Big League Chew in his mouth
What's fair is fair, right? Right. He EMBARRASSED Barstool's gaming network yesterday, as Dallas Braden would say. I mean I made a few addition/subtraction errors last fall, but when I was actually handed a baseball I was 89-91 T93 and emasculated my competition. It was a straight up castration.
I'd tell Smitty to have some respect for himself, but that's an impossible ask for him. Oh and we're going for game 2 of the series today and are live NOW!!!
TALE OF THE TAPE:
Smitty (0-2) vs. WSD (1-1)
Phillies vs. White Sox
Giolito vs. Velazquez