Black Friday Weekend - 20% OffShop Now

Coronavirus PSA: PLEASE Don't Masturbate With Hand Sanitizer

Listen, there is no shortage of idiots out there... it consistently shocks the hell out of me. But all bonehead moves are not created equally. In the wake of the COVID-19 crisis, we have an emergence of one of the dumbest ideas I've ever heard. REALLY. Epically stupid. 

When life is going to shit for god know's how long, stocking up on the essentials is of the utmost importance. You have to make hard decisions, and finding dual purposes for household items is key, especially if money is tight right now. Hand Sanitizer and Clorox wipes are MUST-HAVES.

These items are PERFECT for sanitizing your hands and hard surfaces and killing nasty germs and viruses. 

What they are not good for is self-pleasure. Seriously.

Squirting some Purel onto your hands and applying it to your phallic hard surface and then sanitizing it all the way to the finish line, and then wiping clean with a bleach wipe, is a BAD IDEA. VERY BAD. 

We should not have to be talking about this, but here we go.

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitiser as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week,’ one person described their experience. Said one man to Metro.uk

Another brave yet braindead soul said he wanted to use hand sanitizer to perform a "golden shower". The results were, as you can imagine, even more frightening than a non-Lysol golden shower. 

‘I grab some hand sanitiser. I go for it,’ he wrote in a lengthy Reddit post. ‘Except, I put a bit too much on. It burns a little more than I can take and I have to rinse off. ‘I get up and try again, this time, just a drop, right on the urethra. It stings a tiny bit but I go for it and fap it up. I get that slight hot kind-of-burning-but-kind-of-not feeling and if I don’t look down it feels like I’m pissing up a storm!’

HOL. LEE. SHIT. This was so graphic even the Call Her Daddy girls were like, let's take about 5-10 percent off there, Squirelly Dan. 

This guy burned his dick with hand sanitizer, rinsed it off, and TRIED IT AGAIN???

To be clear, just because something is clear and in a pump bottle, doesn't mean that it is a substitute for AstroGlide. Doctors warn that even though you've got jugs and jugs of this stuff lying around, and you're stuck at home, doesn't mean you should try and get creative with your masturbation.

‘One of the main ingredients in many hand sanitizers is isopropyl alcohol. ‘Isopropyl alcohol is not safe for internal use, and if used whilst masturbating it could make its way down your vaginal or penile opening – this will damage the internal skin. ‘Alcohol is drying, and the skin on your genitals is also sensitive and just as easily damaged.’

If you're desperate to have something to masturbate with…. supermarkets and of course Amazon (for now) will deliver lubricants to your door. Or maybe just be normal for once and go for the Jergens like you did when you were 13.

In the middle of a pandemic that is stressing our hospitals and squeezing our abilities to be seen for anything other than COVID, now's not the time for a trip to the ER with a self-inflicted injury to your block and tackle, your twigs and berries, your tubage. So if you're running low on money and can't afford lubricant at a time like this, use your own spit, or if you have some laying around your kitchen, use coconut oil. That seems to be a great alternative… Just ask SF Giants manager Gabe Kapler.