Safety Violation: Log Splitters Can Take Your Hand Clean Off Your Arm

Well, goodness gracious alive. Folks, I gotta be honest. At this point, most of you are aware that my love for log splitting stretches both wide and deep. My love stretches deeper and wider than your mom's homemade lasagna. What? What did you think I was gonna say there? Her pussy? Jesus Christ. I'm a gentleman. I would never especially in this context. 

My love for log splitters notwithstanding, I was taken aback by this video that I discovered on the Instagram discover page late last night. You see, I was up later than normal because my wife is out of town. I was just using the bluish hue from my iphone until the wee hours of the morning, nearly midnight to be specific, without a care in the world. I was up that late because at 4:45pm in the central time zone (5:45pm eastern), I polished off a 16oz glass of grapefruit juice... ruby red. Love that stuff, but the sugar content is like 28grams per serving and I nearly had 2 servings. Buddy, I was wired like an old school modem that was pushing 500 free hours of AOL. 

It was late. I was scrolling. I saw this log splitting video and sat straight up in my bed. 

"His fingers. HIS FUCKING FINGERS," I shouted to the heavens whilst being concerned for his fingers- his fucking fingers. Maybe literally. (sexual reference there. Read the below blog if any questions arise)

Anyway, I understand the need to quickly and efficiently split wood. People all across this great globe rely on wood's timber to heat their homes, cook their food, and build their tools. I know what you are thinking. "But Chaps, why don't people use plastic or metal tools?"

There's basically two schools of thought about that. One school says that people, men specifically, like the feeling of a solid piece of wood in their hand. They like to grip it because it feels natural. They like the natural feel more than anything else and plastic or rubber can ruin that feeling. I've tried it both ways. Keep the rubber tool. I want the all-natural thing or nothing at all. 

That theory might be because, as youngsters, every one of us was captivated by the tales and pageantry of a television program. That program? The New Yankee Work Shop. If you arent familiar with the show, take the next 23 minutes and learn how to build a rocking chair from scratch. Well, not from scratch. If you want to build anything from scratch, technically, you have to start with the entire universe. Incredible. -Carl Sagan. 

I digress. If you happen to come across this type of splitter, please pick up an ax instead. After all, safety is paramount on the homestead. If you get your hand chopped off like a woodsman version of venerable Captain James Hook, you will, in the words of Smee and Captain Hook, run home, jack. I promise, you don't want your life on the lamb to end because you cut your fucking dick skinner off. 

I say all that to say simply this: be careful. Your hands are valuable. But you know what is more valuable than your hands? You. If you bleed out in a pile of split wood because you chopped your hand off with a primitive wood splitter, we would all miss you, especially if you are a Barstool Gold member. If you're not, sign up at so we can mourn your possible death harder if you are haphazardly operating logging machinery despite my multiple warnings. 

Thanks, everyone. 

Your friend,