Ben Bartch Beefed Up 70lbs To Get Drafted As An Offensive Lineman And The Shake Recipe He Used Is Legendary
There's a good chance you've never heard of Ben Bartch before. He was a tight end at DIII St. John's University in Minnesota and I have to imagine that not many of you were keeping up with the Johnnies much this year. But get ready to hear the name Ben Bartch all over the place for at least the next decade because this hero is about to be the greatest offensive lineman to come out of this draft. The man had a luscious head of hair, he's got balls, and he's got the heart to throw on an extra 70 lbs over the offseason so he can be as chonky as possible for the upcoming NFL Draft.
So how did he throw on all the weight? Did he just smoke a ton of weed and eat nothing but KFC and Burger King for the past several months? Wouldn't have been a terrible idea but 1) he still probably has to pass some sort of a drug test and 2) he still needs to workout so he can block some of the biggest athletes on the planet. So while I think he'd be able to put on the weight that way, it wouldn't necessarily help him as far as "becoming a professional football player" goes. So instead, Ben Bartch went to the kitchen and whipped up maybe the biggest meat head shake you could ever dream about.
Not sure how he landed on the number 7 for eggs but that had to have been so damn infuriating. Eggs typically come by the dozen so if he would have just went with 6 eggs, he could have one carton of eggs per every 2 shakes. Going with the uneven 7 is such a wild move but maybe the sole purpose was to piss him off so he'd have more fuel for his workouts.
Cottage cheese is fucking disgusting but I guess blending up some fresh mozzarella wouldn't really work too well. I can't imagine he'd get great results by tossing in a block of Parmigiano-Reggiano either so if he wanted to get some sort of cheesy flavor in here that would actually work in a smoothie, cottage cheese was his only option left. Gross, but effective.
Grits is just a pure football guy move. Impossible to not be the grittiest prospect in the draft when grits account for at least 1/7 of your diet.
Peanut butter and banana is a pretty standard move here for the weight gaining shakes. I'd need to hear the measurements here to figure out if this could even come close to cancelling out the cottage cheese being thrown in the mix but I feel like peanut butter is such a strong flavor that it takes the majority of the bite off.
Gatorade. GATORADE! What a fucking legend. The liquid base he used for the smoothie was Gatorade. Not water. Not milk. But Gatorade. That fact alone is enough for me to want to spend a 1st round pick on Ben Bartch. A Gatorade and Grits smoothie. It doesn't get anymore Football Guy than that. My god. I just need to figure out what flavor was his go-to. I feel like Fierce Grape would actually be pretty decent since it would complement the peanut butter well. Almost like a PB&J smoothie just way grosser.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some groceries to go purchase.